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*click* I watched his subtle grin as the whirring sounds of the polaroid camera printing out the picture he just took blended with the chirping in the air of the park we were at. He sets the film and camera aside and lies down next to me on the grass, both of us staring at the clear blue sky. "What do you think you got out of this?" I turn my head to look at him. "This?" I echoed. "Yeah." He turns over too, resting his face on the palm of his hand, his eyes studying my face.  "This. Us. You know how everyone is a lesson or something like that," he said and paused for a bit before continuing,  "What do you think our time together has taught you?" ********* I'd say it taught me to be grateful. Like, genuinely grateful.  No matter what, i'll always be grateful for you, for meeting you, for getting to love you. I always am, for everyone I fall for, but somehow, especially you. You came at a time where I really had it stuck in my hea

Throughout my almost 24 years of living, there have been several constants in majority of my life. One is a principal I've held on to since I was 16, "my friends are my everything" I'm lucky enough to say that the friends that are my everything have mostly stayed since, sure some have come and go, but that's beside the point. Whoever my friends are, my close friends, they are my everything. Like, I would drop everything and go to them at the first sign of them needing me. Like, I'd fly across the globe to see them. Like, if they ever murdered somebody, I'd be the one dragging the corpse across the living room floor and helping them hide it. It's a constant that has been swayed a few times over the years, never because of what my friends do, but because of the things I do that betray that principle. That shit eats me up inside.  But yeah, that's one constant. The second, is depression. I've been depressed since I was 15. I'm 24 this year. Ev

Dear you, We met on April 2nd, 2019, close to three years ago. I know we said we would take our time, take things slow, but looking back, it all went so fast. We went from being complete strangers to seeing each other everyday and spending every spare time we had with each other. We became a couple within four months of knowing each other.  But I don't regret it, truly. That love that I had for you, it was meant to be that way. Finding you, meeting you, I knew that that kind of love was meant for me and you.  You were such a big part of my life. The biggest part of my life apart from my family. My go to person for everything, all my rants, my stupid little bits about what funny or silly thing happened in my day. And through it all whenever I had the chance to go out I would always choose to spend it with you because I honestly would rather see you. Loving you was easy. It almost came like second nature to me. You were the kindest, most understanding, most patient person I'd eve

"Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt." That is a quote from the movie "Her" that has haunted me ever since I heard it, because it happens to be one of my biggest fears. I'm scared that it's true, because I do feel like that a lot of the time. I feel like I've felt everything I needed to feel, learnt everything I needed to learn, and now, from here on out, it's just going to be the same things, repetitions of what I've already experienced before. Which means that everything good, every great thing I've felt, great love, great friendship - I'll never feel again. Those "greats" were the height of it all in my life and it's just going to keep being lesser versions of those "greats" for the rest of my life.  My fear about this feeling and thought process is that it will lead me to t

Another year, another recap. The real o.g.'s know how it goes. 2019 Honestly felt like the longest year of my life. So much has happened in the past year and yet, it all feels so faraway and distant. Probably due to the fact that i've felt incredibly disconnected this year. Like I was watching everything happen from somewhere outside of my body. Anyway, putting that aside, this year, I got my first real job! I went on a holiday with my friends (with my own money!)! I got to perform at gigs! I had my first proper emceeing job! I finished a duathlon! And best of all, i got to fall in love all over again!! I've said it before and i'll say it again, falling in love is such a beautiful thing. And the fact that I got to fall in love with someone who takes care of me and makes me feel loved, and pays attention to the little things about me, it makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Out of all the things that have happened to me this year, Ihmran Chin fallin

I always say that there is no one in the world who can hate me as much as I hate myself. I've been saying that for as long as I remember but I still stand by it. I've been thinking about this a lot, because I've only just come to realise how hard I am on myself. Truly. I am my own worst critic. I don't like asking for help because I feel like I'm burdening people. I think really lowly of myself. Every single thing that goes wrong in my life I find a way to blame myself for it. I'm aware of how bad it is to be that harsh on yourself. I know it's important to love yourself, self-love is a crucial part of learning how to survive in this world. But for me, personally, breaking out of it is hard. Me blaming myself for everything, me keeping things to myself for fear of burdening people, I can trace these thoughts to as far back as when I was around 8 or 9 years old. Back then I blamed myself for literally being born. I would think, "If I hadn't been bo