paro

Hello! Finally 15. Nothing particularly big has changed, i literally expected something weird to happen when i woke up today. Idk, maybe a big bang? Fireworks saying "CONGRATS YOU'RE FIFTEEN"? Haha.  Zaharah was the first to wish me, which was awesome. and yeah. it was a good day. Alhamdulillah. Another year of being alive. Although i dont see what's so celebratory about that. I didn't get cake, which was quite disappointing. But i got presents and most of the people i care about remembered, which is the most important thing in the end. I just keep thinking, holy shit, i'm a year closer to finishing school forever. and then college, and work, and possibly falling in love and getting babies and all that jiz. The idea of all that being a mere two years away is just terrifying! I wish i didn't have to grow up at all. Most teens can't wait to get out of the house and work and be independent and stuff but honestly, I'm so scared of being alone. Out ...

It is a Tuesday, 11th of June 2013, and it is currently 12:11 a.m. I'm still awake and i don't know why, but i've never felt so alone in my life. SO many bad thoughts running through my mind and they're taking over me. I can't stop them. and i can't help but find the truth in those negative thoughts. Because that's what i am, a negative person with absolutely no worth. I cry for help but no one's there to answer me. No one to fall back on. No one. I am alone. Which is how i'm most likely going to be for the rest of my life. My mum says that if i face a problem, i should find a solution. But the only solution i see is death. And as much as i want death to take me, i want to live long enough to see the world. That is my dilemma. I don't want to kill myself, but if i crossed the road and a car was coming, i'm not sure i'd move out of the way.