paro

*click* I watched his subtle grin as the whirring sounds of the polaroid camera printing out the picture he just took blended with the chirping in the air of the park we were at. He sets the film and camera aside and lies down next to me on the grass, both of us staring at the clear blue sky. "What do you think you got out of this?" I turn my head to look at him. "This?" I echoed. "Yeah." He turns over too, resting his face on the palm of his hand, his eyes studying my face.  "This. Us. You know how everyone is a lesson or something like that," he said and paused for a bit before continuing,  "What do you think our time together has taught you?" ********* I'd say it taught me to be grateful. Like, genuinely grateful.  No matter what, i'll always be grateful for you, for meeting you, for getting to love you. I always am, for everyone I fall for, but somehow, especially you. You came at a time where I really had it stuck in my hea...

Another year, another recap. The real o.g.'s know how it goes. 2019 Honestly felt like the longest year of my life. So much has happened in the past year and yet, it all feels so faraway and distant. Probably due to the fact that i've felt incredibly disconnected this year. Like I was watching everything happen from somewhere outside of my body. Anyway, putting that aside, this year, I got my first real job! I went on a holiday with my friends (with my own money!)! I got to perform at gigs! I had my first proper emceeing job! I finished a duathlon! And best of all, i got to fall in love all over again!! I've said it before and i'll say it again, falling in love is such a beautiful thing. And the fact that I got to fall in love with someone who takes care of me and makes me feel loved, and pays attention to the little things about me, it makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Out of all the things that have happened to me this year, Ihmran Chin fallin...

I always say that there is no one in the world who can hate me as much as I hate myself. I've been saying that for as long as I remember but I still stand by it. I've been thinking about this a lot, because I've only just come to realise how hard I am on myself. Truly. I am my own worst critic. I don't like asking for help because I feel like I'm burdening people. I think really lowly of myself. Every single thing that goes wrong in my life I find a way to blame myself for it. I'm aware of how bad it is to be that harsh on yourself. I know it's important to love yourself, self-love is a crucial part of learning how to survive in this world. But for me, personally, breaking out of it is hard. Me blaming myself for everything, me keeping things to myself for fear of burdening people, I can trace these thoughts to as far back as when I was around 8 or 9 years old. Back then I blamed myself for literally being born. I would think, "If I hadn't been bo...

You know how in the books and in the movies, the way they describe love is always along the lines of it being something that'll make you lose your breath, making it harder to breathe, your hands get all sweaty and your heart rate quickens. That's the version of love that we've all grown up with, fed into our brains by media that we consumed. But what if love is meeting someone who makes it a little easier for you to breathe? When they're around, the weight constricting your chest feels a little lighter. When you see them it's like a breath of fresh air. They're your sigh of relief because you've been holding your breath (figuratively) all this time. Love should be easy. It should feel like something that makes you more weightless than pulled down. But hell, who am i to know what love is anymore. 

It feels like every step forward that I take, some unseen force comes out of nowhere and pushes me 5 steps backwards, even further back from where I started, knocking the wind out of my lungs in the process and leaving me battered and bruised on the ground.  It's nearing the end of 2018,  and as per the past few years, I always do a recap of my year in the form of a blog post. Honestly, I don't know why I keep doing this but its sort of been a tradition for me. Plus, it's a good way to look back on the year and point out what I learnt, and what I can take out from all the mistakes and good things that have happened this year. 2018. I don't know how to feel about this year. I feel like a lot of stuff have happened this year but somehow, here I am, roughly a year later from my last recap on this blog, and I feel like I haven't moved a single inch from where I was then. I really put in a lot of effort into doing things that would help me grow as a person, this ye...

do you believe in soulmates? I do. I believe I've met my soulmate. Prior to meeting him, I had this fantasy of what loving your soulmate was like. He was the one who was made for you, you fit together in every way, you'll meet them, sparks will fly and everything will start to make sense. And the rest of your life falls into place because you finally found "the one" Now that i've actually met my soulmate, i know that it's not like that at all. You see, i've come to discover that your soulmate isnt necessarily the one you spend the rest of your life with. And it certainly doesnt mean that he/she is the right one for you. Let me tell you a story. I met a boy. I was shy, although not many people would agree, i had trouble socialising with people right off the bat. It was hard for me to find people i could easily connect with. Easy to talk to, sure. But connecting with someone... that usually takes me a while. But not with this boy. I met up with him...