paro

I always say that there is no one in the world who can hate me as much as I hate myself. I've been saying that for as long as I remember but I still stand by it. I've been thinking about this a lot, because I've only just come to realise how hard I am on myself. Truly. I am my own worst critic. I don't like asking for help because I feel like I'm burdening people. I think really lowly of myself. Every single thing that goes wrong in my life I find a way to blame myself for it. I'm aware of how bad it is to be that harsh on yourself. I know it's important to love yourself, self-love is a crucial part of learning how to survive in this world. But for me, personally, breaking out of it is hard. Me blaming myself for everything, me keeping things to myself for fear of burdening people, I can trace these thoughts to as far back as when I was around 8 or 9 years old. Back then I blamed myself for literally being born. I would think, "If I hadn't been bo...

There's only 3 things keeping me from offing myself. 1) The fear of being stuck in hell. 2) My loved ones. 3) The pestering voice in my head that tells me that I can make it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm turning 21 soon. Inevitably, that fact invites a lot of self-reflection. And I gotta be honest, I'm not really liking where I'm at. Is it because I'm nowhere near where I thought I would or should be by this age? Yes. Another contributing factor being the persistent thoughts like "I'm never gonna make it anywhere" or "I'm not gonna have a future" constantly bugging me. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? And if so, does that mean I'm gonna die at 41? Because that just sounds like good news to me. The shorter lifespan I have on this planet, the better. Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I ask myself is, "how am I...