sos: mid life crisis?
There's only 3 things keeping me from offing myself.
1) The fear of being stuck in hell.
2) My loved ones.
3) The pestering voice in my head that tells me that I can make it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm turning 21 soon. Inevitably, that fact invites a lot of self-reflection. And I gotta be honest, I'm not really liking where I'm at. Is it because I'm nowhere near where I thought I would or should be by this age? Yes. Another contributing factor being the persistent thoughts like "I'm never gonna make it anywhere" or "I'm not gonna have a future" constantly bugging me. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? And if so, does that mean I'm gonna die at 41? Because that just sounds like good news to me. The shorter lifespan I have on this planet, the better.
Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I ask myself is, "how am I feeling today?" Usually, I'd note that I feel like shit. Some days, I realise I don't feel anything and start freaking out because I feel numb. And then once in a blue moon, very rarely, I wake up feeling good. happy. More often than not, waking up to a good feeling happens as a result of a good yesterday.
The most frustrating part is knowing how I should feel or think and still not being able to force myself to feel or think that way. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed in so many ways. Blessed, and so lucky. and I'm happier now, I really am. Truly, but the pain or mess that I'm going through has evolved, into something I currently don't have the means to handle very well. And the happiness is a separate thing from all this....crap. I guess in a way I've compartmentalised my thoughts into happy, sad, numb. they're all separate, they all have an effect on me, but the sad and numb is just louder and more out of control than the happy compartment.
I have no goals, no dreams. All I know is that I want to finish whatever I need to finish in order to be free. And yet, even freedom isn't a motivating enough factor for me to push myself towards. Everyday I see all these people who are actually working towards something and I just think to myself, damn, how do they do it? how do they make it look so easy? And it should be, really. It's not that hard. Wake up, think positive, do what you need to do that will levitate you towards your goal, simple shit. But even the simplest shit feels like a huge, overwhelming task for me. I absolutely detest that about myself. I despise the fact that I overthink everything AND I'm scared of everything. I'm fucking terrified. I'm terrified of failing so I just don't try at all, I'm terrified of having my heart broken again so I just withhold my emotions and constantly have my guard up. As a result, I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this endless loop of being trapped within my fears. I'm quite literally simply living my life day, by day. How is that a life? It's certainly not the life I imagined for myself. I used to have this fire in me that propelled me to wholeheartedly do things. Instead of having a fire in me, I now have what I envision as a ring of fire around me, encasing me inside and simultaneously fending everyone off. I remember how I used to want to save people, and that was largely what motivated me to keep going, to get my degree in architecture. I wanted to save the people who needed homes, who needed solutions, who couldn't let their voices be heard. Now, I can barely save myself. How did I genuinely think that I could possibly save others?
I've been thinking about suicide a lot. Largely influenced by the fact that there were two suicide cases in uni within the span of the last two weeks. Like I said earlier, there are only three things that keep me from doing it. The first being religion related, and yes, I know, I'm not the most religious person out there, but I do believe in my religion, and they do say that people who commit suicide stay in hell for an eternity. I don't like to believe that God would punish the people who were just trying to escape their suffering, but I do believe that there are repercussions for beating God at his own game. The second being my loved ones. I know for a fact that if I do off myself, I would just be transferring all the pain I felt onto all the people that love me. And I can't bear the thought of any of my friends, or my family, having to deal with the pain of unanswered questions and internal self-blame for a lifetime purely because I was selfish enough to end my life. The third, the most surprising one, is that persistent, nagging voice in my head that tells me that I can get through it. Every single time I've experienced something I felt like I couldn't handle because my heart and head were at what I thought was its limit, somehow, miraculously, I get through it. And after I get through it, it becomes my past, and just like that, it's behind me. So I know, rationally and logically, that no matter how bad I think things are, I can make it through. Because I've been through a lot of times where I thought I couldn't, and yet I still did.
I know what I'm going through is just part and parcel of life and growing up and learning, but actually being in the midst of it all fucking sucks. It sucks that I still care about things I thought I'd forgotten and stopped caring about. It sucks that all these minuscule tasks can feel so damn heavy. It sucks that I'm so scared of everything now, and that I feel completely, utterly fucking clueless about everything. You'd think that after everything I've been through, I'd be able to navigate through this part of my life a lil bit better, but nope. I have no idea what I'm doing AND I'm scared to do anything because of this overwhelming fear of fucking everything up. the only thing I've gotten better at is acting tough so people don't think they can hurt me, when as a matter of fact, they really can. I just mask it a hell a lot better now.
To sum this all up, basically, I'm lost, in my 20s.
I wish I could just take a peek at my future to see if this is all worth it.
xxxx
1) The fear of being stuck in hell.
2) My loved ones.
3) The pestering voice in my head that tells me that I can make it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm turning 21 soon. Inevitably, that fact invites a lot of self-reflection. And I gotta be honest, I'm not really liking where I'm at. Is it because I'm nowhere near where I thought I would or should be by this age? Yes. Another contributing factor being the persistent thoughts like "I'm never gonna make it anywhere" or "I'm not gonna have a future" constantly bugging me. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? And if so, does that mean I'm gonna die at 41? Because that just sounds like good news to me. The shorter lifespan I have on this planet, the better.
Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I ask myself is, "how am I feeling today?" Usually, I'd note that I feel like shit. Some days, I realise I don't feel anything and start freaking out because I feel numb. And then once in a blue moon, very rarely, I wake up feeling good. happy. More often than not, waking up to a good feeling happens as a result of a good yesterday.
The most frustrating part is knowing how I should feel or think and still not being able to force myself to feel or think that way. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed in so many ways. Blessed, and so lucky. and I'm happier now, I really am. Truly, but the pain or mess that I'm going through has evolved, into something I currently don't have the means to handle very well. And the happiness is a separate thing from all this....crap. I guess in a way I've compartmentalised my thoughts into happy, sad, numb. they're all separate, they all have an effect on me, but the sad and numb is just louder and more out of control than the happy compartment.
I have no goals, no dreams. All I know is that I want to finish whatever I need to finish in order to be free. And yet, even freedom isn't a motivating enough factor for me to push myself towards. Everyday I see all these people who are actually working towards something and I just think to myself, damn, how do they do it? how do they make it look so easy? And it should be, really. It's not that hard. Wake up, think positive, do what you need to do that will levitate you towards your goal, simple shit. But even the simplest shit feels like a huge, overwhelming task for me. I absolutely detest that about myself. I despise the fact that I overthink everything AND I'm scared of everything. I'm fucking terrified. I'm terrified of failing so I just don't try at all, I'm terrified of having my heart broken again so I just withhold my emotions and constantly have my guard up. As a result, I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this endless loop of being trapped within my fears. I'm quite literally simply living my life day, by day. How is that a life? It's certainly not the life I imagined for myself. I used to have this fire in me that propelled me to wholeheartedly do things. Instead of having a fire in me, I now have what I envision as a ring of fire around me, encasing me inside and simultaneously fending everyone off. I remember how I used to want to save people, and that was largely what motivated me to keep going, to get my degree in architecture. I wanted to save the people who needed homes, who needed solutions, who couldn't let their voices be heard. Now, I can barely save myself. How did I genuinely think that I could possibly save others?
I've been thinking about suicide a lot. Largely influenced by the fact that there were two suicide cases in uni within the span of the last two weeks. Like I said earlier, there are only three things that keep me from doing it. The first being religion related, and yes, I know, I'm not the most religious person out there, but I do believe in my religion, and they do say that people who commit suicide stay in hell for an eternity. I don't like to believe that God would punish the people who were just trying to escape their suffering, but I do believe that there are repercussions for beating God at his own game. The second being my loved ones. I know for a fact that if I do off myself, I would just be transferring all the pain I felt onto all the people that love me. And I can't bear the thought of any of my friends, or my family, having to deal with the pain of unanswered questions and internal self-blame for a lifetime purely because I was selfish enough to end my life. The third, the most surprising one, is that persistent, nagging voice in my head that tells me that I can get through it. Every single time I've experienced something I felt like I couldn't handle because my heart and head were at what I thought was its limit, somehow, miraculously, I get through it. And after I get through it, it becomes my past, and just like that, it's behind me. So I know, rationally and logically, that no matter how bad I think things are, I can make it through. Because I've been through a lot of times where I thought I couldn't, and yet I still did.
I know what I'm going through is just part and parcel of life and growing up and learning, but actually being in the midst of it all fucking sucks. It sucks that I still care about things I thought I'd forgotten and stopped caring about. It sucks that all these minuscule tasks can feel so damn heavy. It sucks that I'm so scared of everything now, and that I feel completely, utterly fucking clueless about everything. You'd think that after everything I've been through, I'd be able to navigate through this part of my life a lil bit better, but nope. I have no idea what I'm doing AND I'm scared to do anything because of this overwhelming fear of fucking everything up. the only thing I've gotten better at is acting tough so people don't think they can hurt me, when as a matter of fact, they really can. I just mask it a hell a lot better now.
To sum this all up, basically, I'm lost, in my 20s.
I wish I could just take a peek at my future to see if this is all worth it.
xxxx
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