self-love
I always say that there is no one in the world who can hate me as much as I hate myself. I've been saying that for as long as I remember but I still stand by it. I've been thinking about this a lot, because I've only just come to realise how hard I am on myself. Truly. I am my own worst critic. I don't like asking for help because I feel like I'm burdening people. I think really lowly of myself. Every single thing that goes wrong in my life I find a way to blame myself for it.
I'm aware of how bad it is to be that harsh on yourself. I know it's important to love yourself, self-love is a crucial part of learning how to survive in this world. But for me, personally, breaking out of it is hard. Me blaming myself for everything, me keeping things to myself for fear of burdening people, I can trace these thoughts to as far back as when I was around 8 or 9 years old. Back then I blamed myself for literally being born. I would think, "If I hadn't been born maybe all these bad stuff wouldn't have happened to my family." and I'd try to punish myself simply for being born by not eating, or not allowing myself to play with my friends. I don't really know if that's normal, to hate your existence from such a young age, but that's why it's hard for me to explain my self-loathing to people. I know positive thoughts help, but it's not that easy to change years of thinking this way of myself. Not to mention the people that I've met that fucked me over and just contributed to me hating myself even more by making me feel like I'm crazy or difficult or not enough. I mean, I have harnessed a little bit of self love over the years, in the sense that I know what I'm worth and that I care about myself enough to always make sure I do little things to make me feel better about myself. And I've gotten a little bit better at sharing with people and trying to get rid of that mindset where I feel like a burden when I open up. I mean, compared to the really dark times when I would literally be suffering alone and refusing to reach out to my friends, I'd say I'm a lot better now. Or maybe a little better, I don't know.
It's just going to take a while to get to that point where I fully accept myself. I try everyday but it's kind of hard to fend off the bad thoughts you have of yourself that have been ingrained into your head for most of your life. But I guess the important part is that I'm aware of how hard I am on myself and I'm trying, hell, I really am trying, to just be kinder to myself. Hopefully one day I'll get there.
I'm aware of how bad it is to be that harsh on yourself. I know it's important to love yourself, self-love is a crucial part of learning how to survive in this world. But for me, personally, breaking out of it is hard. Me blaming myself for everything, me keeping things to myself for fear of burdening people, I can trace these thoughts to as far back as when I was around 8 or 9 years old. Back then I blamed myself for literally being born. I would think, "If I hadn't been born maybe all these bad stuff wouldn't have happened to my family." and I'd try to punish myself simply for being born by not eating, or not allowing myself to play with my friends. I don't really know if that's normal, to hate your existence from such a young age, but that's why it's hard for me to explain my self-loathing to people. I know positive thoughts help, but it's not that easy to change years of thinking this way of myself. Not to mention the people that I've met that fucked me over and just contributed to me hating myself even more by making me feel like I'm crazy or difficult or not enough. I mean, I have harnessed a little bit of self love over the years, in the sense that I know what I'm worth and that I care about myself enough to always make sure I do little things to make me feel better about myself. And I've gotten a little bit better at sharing with people and trying to get rid of that mindset where I feel like a burden when I open up. I mean, compared to the really dark times when I would literally be suffering alone and refusing to reach out to my friends, I'd say I'm a lot better now. Or maybe a little better, I don't know.
It's just going to take a while to get to that point where I fully accept myself. I try everyday but it's kind of hard to fend off the bad thoughts you have of yourself that have been ingrained into your head for most of your life. But I guess the important part is that I'm aware of how hard I am on myself and I'm trying, hell, I really am trying, to just be kinder to myself. Hopefully one day I'll get there.
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