constants

Throughout my almost 24 years of living, there have been several constants in majority of my life.

One is a principal I've held on to since I was 16, "my friends are my everything" I'm lucky enough to say that the friends that are my everything have mostly stayed since, sure some have come and go, but that's beside the point. Whoever my friends are, my close friends, they are my everything. Like, I would drop everything and go to them at the first sign of them needing me. Like, I'd fly across the globe to see them. Like, if they ever murdered somebody, I'd be the one dragging the corpse across the living room floor and helping them hide it. It's a constant that has been swayed a few times over the years, never because of what my friends do, but because of the things I do that betray that principle. That shit eats me up inside. 

But yeah, that's one constant.

The second, is depression. I've been depressed since I was 15. I'm 24 this year. Every time I tell a counselor or a therapist or a psychiatrist they're always so shocked. "9 years?? You've been like this for 9 years??" I'd just nod my head with a small smile. "I can't imagine how you've managed to make it this far, and how hard it must have been." I always feel strange when they say that, like it's an achievement I should be proud of, but, I don't feel that way, knowing the only reason I stick around is because I have people who love me and I would never want to hurt them the way I would if I ended my life. I definitely didn't stick around for myself. But yes, every single day for the past 9 years I wake up and my first thought is that I wish I didn't. Every day I hate myself, break myself down, tell myself i'm not worth it, that i have no purpose, i'm better off dead, yada yada yada. I used to say and still say that no one can hate me as much as I hate myself, and sadly that's still true. But having gone through this for 9 years, those thoughts do get a little quieter, quiet enough to hear the positive things I try to tell myself. And sometimes I can even use it to my advantage! Like, the knowledge that no one can hate me as much as I hate myself has reaaally helped me in performing and emceeing. I don't shy away from being put in front of a crowd because I'm like if I mess up and people hate me it still wont be as much as I hate myself, so it cant be that bad, fuck it! Jokes aside, it's definitely been a long fuckin journey with depression. Sometimes I'm scared that it's become so much of who I am that maybe I don't even know how to be properly happy anymore. But I'm glad that my friends pushed me and literally support me financially enough to go seek a proper therapist, and later on a psychiatrist. Even though I've been like this for so long, I've never allowed myself or deemed myself as sick enough or bad enough to be actually depressed. I told myself it's just me, it's all in my head. So when my therapist and psychiatrist diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder, it lifted a huge weight of my chest. Having someone see how sick I am and being validated that it's not just me who's making this all up, wow. The wonders that validation can do y'all. So, after 9 years of depression being a constant, I'm finally really working on getting better with the right outlets. I started medication alongside cognitive behavioral therapy and obviously this goes without saying, no its not an overnight cure, and I know i still have a long, loooong journey with depression ahead of me. Depression will still continue to be a constant, but for once I am hopeful that maybe I can be happy again. I can someday live with a brain that doesn't just have these dark thoughts all the fucking time. 

Another constant. 

Loneliness. The third constant. Does that come as a surprise? Don't get me wrong, I am so, so loved. And I am so fucking lucky to have my friends, people who love me. But I've always been lonely. I always feel like I don't quite fit in anywhere. Even when I'm in relationships, I'm lonely. I don't know if this is my own doing, but I feel that the knowledge that no one in the world will ever truly know me, or understand me a 100%, is what makes me feel lonely all the time. Maybe it's because I've never really known who I am. I am so many things, I appear to be so many different things to so many different people that I don't know which one is really me. Or because I know in my own head it's all mostly just dark shit. And nobody will ever be able to see that so no one will really ever be able to understand. Just like my depression, it's something I've grown to quiet a little. It's a constant because it will always be there, no matter what. I could find the most perfect relationship, the most perfect job or the most perfect set of friends (which I already do have) but I will always, always feel lonely. But hey, guess it all works out because in the end, we die alone, and whatever happens to us after death, we go through it alone. So, maybe I'm just preparing for that? Or, it won't hit me as much when I'm close to death because I've dealt with it and known it for so long? 

These are some if not the major constants in my life. And, whether I like it or not, It makes up a lot of who I am. I guess i'm just pointing it out or writing this because I dont want these things (other than the first constant) to be the constants for the rest of my life, you know? I want it to change....and I hope it does. I suppose it will, eventually, life works in mysterious ways and God knows what else He'll throw at me as I go through it....

But yeah that's that. Damn i suck at endings lmao bye