MERDEKA

Hello!!

Yes, it's merdeka!! haha, not the literal merdeka, i mean merdeka as in i am finally free from PMR! What a relief! :D I can do whatever i want now! go out, watch movies, stay up, drown myself in self pity y ^_^ It's great, being able to sleep at night without worrying bout PMR. But today, at school, they discussed stuff like streaming and the future and what we're gonna be and i've gotta admit, even thinking about it gave me a massive headache. SO many questions. ZERO answers. What am i gonna be? What do i wanna do? Where do i wanna go? I have no idea, i've actually been avoiding thinking about the future since it seems pretty dark to me, but i guess someday i've got to face the music; i'm growing up. i have to make decisions that will affect the entire course of my life. Why whoever it was decided that it was okay to force hormonal, emotionally imbalanced teenagers to have to make a decision that might change their life forever WHILE they're hormonal and emotionally imbalanced beats me.

Anyway, school was great. We hung around the dewan and laid down and sang songs and talked and it was cool. Really cool. I'm really gonna miss Sri Aman when i leave. So many memories, so little time.

Well, just now, we had a personality test thingy at school and it kinda made me mad, taking that test. The only options were yes, or no; either you strongly agree or strongly disagree. Which wasn't how i felt. I didn't strongly disagree that i'm not a creative person and yet i didn't exactly strongly agree that i'm not a creative person. But the answers i wanted to giver were all like; maybe, sometimes or nyehhh i'm not so sure myself.

The thing is, taking that test made me feel like i HAD to choose how to be. One, or the other. no middle option or anything. And, well, that makes me pissed.

Who said that you can't be both? Who said that you have to be either very proud of yourself or extremely disappointed in yourself? Who made these rules up?

I'm tired of feeling like i don't know myself. Am i the girl who got an excellent score in a test, or am i the girl who got an F for my mathematics test? 

The way i see it, there's two sides to every person, just like how there are two sides to every coin. One, is the side that all their loved ones get to see; the caring, positive, loving side of yourself that everyone dear to you gets to enjoy. And then there's the bad side of you; the selfish you, the deceitful, envious part of you. Sometimes you show the bad side of you and people automatically label you as "dangerous psycho: stay away" but when you're nice and stuff, people are like "fake as a barbie doll, that girl"

Which i think really shouldn't be the way things go.

Why do we have to confine ourselves to labels that are created by society who made these labels up just to be able to try and understand people who are different? Heck, why should we even LET anyone TRY to understand us? Just so we can 'fit in' and be accepted? Hell to the no.

I mean, why choose between the two sides of you that can never be separated? With the good, comes the bad, and with the bad comes the good. You can't have good without bad and vice versa. You need those both sides. Just accept it. So what if you're sometimes the girl who gets A's for every test and sometimes the girl who gets an F for some subjects? They're both you. and that's okay. It's okay to feel like you're the social butterfly of your group of friends but you're the awkward one out in almost every family gathering. Different people have different comfort zones, different mindsets, everyone is different. so embrace your differences! Do not ever hide them. That is just selfish. You'd just be letting people miss out on what a fantastical, phenomenal human being you are.


HHAHAHAHAHAHA god, sometimes i do wonder what i babble about haha.


Anywayssss, i've been trying to get my writing mojo back. To finish blink and to try and continue my other story on wattpad. God, i miss writing but i need a muse. (joann's word) an inspiration, something to set my creative juices flowing and my pen gliding across the paper, writing words that eventually form sentences that could eventually create a whole, really cool chapter. I guess, i'm just scared people will read the new chapter and lose interest and be disappointed with such a shitty chapter that couldn't possibly ever make up for my long absence. Gahhhh. stressful. I just dont wanna let anyone down. I'm already too much of a failure.



and did i tell you i posted a cover heh i really suck but idk it was for fun and i was desperately bored so pls if you ever watch it pls be gentle do not curse at me for breaking your window with my horrible voice :c click here to watch! hahahah what am i even doing i have no life.


Also, i recently watched this video by Anna Akana and i really urge people who feel suicidal to watch it. Seriously. it'll change your mind. maybe not completely, but i'm sure it'll slow you down enough to think about what you should do; stay alive.


welp, that's it i guess. Toodles!