Before you existed

Hello!

Ah, it's already December. 2013 went by so fast. Since it's December, it's time i reflect on what happened this year and set a whole new list of my New Year's Resolution for 2014!

Earlier today i found my old list of new year's resolutions that I'd fixed for this year. Crossed out the ones that I'd already done and I only didnt' manage to finish 5 of them, which i think is pretty much impossible to complete within the span of 3 weeks, before 2014 starts. Except for the watching the sunrise part. I could do that. But i don't want to do it alone haha. I pictured myself watching it with someone i really really care about. But meh, whatever. You live alone and you die alone anyway. Might as well i watch the sun rise by myself.

And now...presentingggggg.....NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR THE YEAR 2014!!!!!!

Yes, yes, i know. I bet you're all "what the heck?? is she trying to reach for the stars??? does she really think she can learn french in a year and does she really think its possible to have no regrets?"

Well, i think any thing's possible if you put your mind to it ^_^

2013. A lot happened this year. Most of the shit that happened was the aftermath of what i get for changing too much and too fast and i guess it's also partly karma that i totally deserve because of all the shitty things i did. The thing that i know i don't deserve is the fact that all those stuff happened and i had no idea it was going to happen. Like jeesh, you'd think God would've at least given you a few hints before he blasts you with a chain of crappy events and leave you crying at the end because you were unprepared and had no idea what to do. But I digress.

This year was the year i lost a friend that meant a lot to me. This year was the year i learnt what real, gruesome heartbreak was. This year was also the year i learnt a lot from the shitty happenings that happened. I learnt that the less you care, the better it is. I learnt that no matter how much you love something or someone, it's always best if you leave. You know why? Because loving someone more than you love yourself is a dangerous thing. Why? Because, imagine that loving someone so much is kinda like giving your whole heart to someone who twitches a lot and telling that person not to drop it but that person will drop it because he/she has twitches and if he/she has an extra intense twitch he/she will inevitably drop your heart and it will end up breaking. to. pieces. And you will end up with those shattered shards of your used-to-be whole heart and the person who dropped it in the first place will have left. and you'd be alone. You'll be the one who has to painstakingly tape your heart back together and try your best to fix it up but you know, somewhere at the back of your mind, you know that you won't feel whole again. Which is why its better to care less. Learn to love yourself first before loving anyone else. That's the rule I'm going to go by starting next year. :) 

I guess somehow the shit that happened was supposed to be for the better. and i hope it is. but i just don 't feel like a better person. How is being hollow and sad and cautious all the time supposed to be better? 

I should add something else to my list of new year's resolutions. I want to learn myself. I want to know who I am, and at the end of the day, i want to be able to accept whoever i find underneath all the facades that have become so recurrent that it's caused me to be unsure of who i really am.

Also, PMR RESULTS ARE COMING OUT SOON I AM FREAKING OUT BCS I'M TERRIFIED. Haih. the unknown is terrifying. Which is why 2014 terrifies me because nothing is set and i don't know what'll be happening next year but i guess that's life. It's all about stepping into the unknown blindly and coming out from the unknown being a better person who's learnt stuff. 

what do i even babble about idek.

Anyway, I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that this'll probably be my last blog post of 2013. So, I'd just like to wish whoever's reading this a very happy new year and i hope 2014 will be a wonderful, wonderful year for you :)

Cheers! 

xx