Let me be broken
Hello everyone!
Ah, well, it's been 21 days into 2014 and honestly, i was pretty much enjoying it up until today. I mean, school's been great. despite the amount of add math homework i have almost everyday, i can honestly say i've been enjoying school very much. I got elected as vice treasurer for my sports house ((which is the awesome rumah biru btw)), i got my friend back haha, and I'm happy with the class and stream that i'm in, i'm happy with the club that i joined this year (choir) and everything about school has been making me happy (except for homework). And i guess, idk, i was feeling better. stronger, even. I was kind of trying to train myself to think positive and fight back and basically get better. and i think i was, for a while. all up until today. the whole day today was so crap. Literally the stuff i found out and the stuff that happened today just completely spoiled the happy mood i'd been in for the longest time ive been in well...a long time. haha.
Anyway, i'm just gonna try and put off thinking about the stuff as long as i can bcs i really don't want to feel crappier than i already feel.
So, well, i just felt like blogging today because a lot has been going on in my mind lately. They're not exactly negative thoughts, but they're not positive ones either. They're basically just the stuff that i ponder about and some stuff just pops up into my head haha.
One thing i wanted to talk about is moving on. I don't think you ever really even forget the past, you just replace those bitter-sweet memories with newer one. But the old ones dont leave your brain. One day, something triggers the old memories, and when you replay them, you realise that you still care. But you care less.
and i guess that kinda does make sense, doesn't it? Because i've tried so hard to move on before. I deleted everything that reminded me of the past and stopped mentioning the past but it (he,she, whatever it is) will always be in your brain. Your last thought before you go to bed will be /that thing/. The first thing you think of in the morning is /that thing/. No matter how hard you try to block it out that thing will always sneakily pop up in your thoughts. It's hard. It took me a long time to move on and even now i think i can barely say ive moved on. But i think i'm starting to?
One day i just woke up and decided that i was tired of feeling like shit all the time just because of something that happened in the past, so what i did was everytime a particular old memory resurfaced, i blocked it out and thought of another thing/memory that made me happy. It was tough because you know, like i said, the thing seems to pop up a lot but i "disciplined" ((((lol))) myself to fight back each negative thought (or any thought that would bring a negative impact on me) with a positive one. And i'm still doing that. I guess it never ends, huh? But it's all pretty much up to you. It's your decision whether or not you want to fight back. and once you have that resolve, everything else will fall into place. It gets better. But unfortunately it doesn't get better immediately, of course. it takes every ounce of courage and commitment to get better. and after you do get better you just sorta have to be consistent as to not fall back down and be unable to get back up again.
hahahhahahahah. seriously. i had loads of ideas on what to blog about just now but right now i'm drawing up blank. hashtag life ugh. AND IDK IM SORRY FOR BLABBING. ALL THIS WAS IN MY HEAD. I JUST HAD TO GET IT OUT.
Anyway...until next time, i guess!
Adios amigos c:
Ah, well, it's been 21 days into 2014 and honestly, i was pretty much enjoying it up until today. I mean, school's been great. despite the amount of add math homework i have almost everyday, i can honestly say i've been enjoying school very much. I got elected as vice treasurer for my sports house ((which is the awesome rumah biru btw)), i got my friend back haha, and I'm happy with the class and stream that i'm in, i'm happy with the club that i joined this year (choir) and everything about school has been making me happy (except for homework). And i guess, idk, i was feeling better. stronger, even. I was kind of trying to train myself to think positive and fight back and basically get better. and i think i was, for a while. all up until today. the whole day today was so crap. Literally the stuff i found out and the stuff that happened today just completely spoiled the happy mood i'd been in for the longest time ive been in well...a long time. haha.
Anyway, i'm just gonna try and put off thinking about the stuff as long as i can bcs i really don't want to feel crappier than i already feel.
So, well, i just felt like blogging today because a lot has been going on in my mind lately. They're not exactly negative thoughts, but they're not positive ones either. They're basically just the stuff that i ponder about and some stuff just pops up into my head haha.
One thing i wanted to talk about is moving on. I don't think you ever really even forget the past, you just replace those bitter-sweet memories with newer one. But the old ones dont leave your brain. One day, something triggers the old memories, and when you replay them, you realise that you still care. But you care less.
and i guess that kinda does make sense, doesn't it? Because i've tried so hard to move on before. I deleted everything that reminded me of the past and stopped mentioning the past but it (he,she, whatever it is) will always be in your brain. Your last thought before you go to bed will be /that thing/. The first thing you think of in the morning is /that thing/. No matter how hard you try to block it out that thing will always sneakily pop up in your thoughts. It's hard. It took me a long time to move on and even now i think i can barely say ive moved on. But i think i'm starting to?
One day i just woke up and decided that i was tired of feeling like shit all the time just because of something that happened in the past, so what i did was everytime a particular old memory resurfaced, i blocked it out and thought of another thing/memory that made me happy. It was tough because you know, like i said, the thing seems to pop up a lot but i "disciplined" ((((lol))) myself to fight back each negative thought (or any thought that would bring a negative impact on me) with a positive one. And i'm still doing that. I guess it never ends, huh? But it's all pretty much up to you. It's your decision whether or not you want to fight back. and once you have that resolve, everything else will fall into place. It gets better. But unfortunately it doesn't get better immediately, of course. it takes every ounce of courage and commitment to get better. and after you do get better you just sorta have to be consistent as to not fall back down and be unable to get back up again.
hahahhahahahah. seriously. i had loads of ideas on what to blog about just now but right now i'm drawing up blank. hashtag life ugh. AND IDK IM SORRY FOR BLABBING. ALL THIS WAS IN MY HEAD. I JUST HAD TO GET IT OUT.
Anyway...until next time, i guess!
Adios amigos c:
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