Self esteem
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When i was 12, i was really, really confident. So confident that many say that i was on the verge of being a bitch, but to me, to that 12 year old version of myself, i was good enough. I believed that i was smart enough, that i was talented, and beauty, or the way i looked, never really bothered me much. I was content. Even my bushy hair was something i was proud of back then. I believed that i was worth something.
And then i turned 13, and suddenly i was thrown into this huge school of gorgeous, smart girls who were pretty much perfect in every aspect. I didn't realize it back then, but it took a toll on my self confidence. Especially when I started going downhill, academically. But i just took it in stride, I brushed it off and continued bouncing around and being myself as my confidence level decreased as the year went by. Form 1 was good, but it was the start to my fall.
Form 2, I was 14. stuff happened. and woosh, before I knew it, i lost all sense of any sort of self worth. Gone. In the blink of an eye. I went to believing i was something to believing I was nothing. Day after day, my mind was filled with so much hatred, for myself. All I could think about was how much i didn't deserve to be alive, all i could think about was what a piece of crap I was. and then everything pretty much went downhill. and this time, it wasn't just academically. It was emotionally, physically, mentally. I lost myself.
15. It wasn't getting any better. It was the same state of self hatred and anger, all directed at myself. And then i started forgetting what it was like before, how I was like before, and it was hard for me to concentrate on anything. It was the age i started sleeping late, staying up, consumed by awful thoughts. It was the age that i escaped to tumblr, blogging my mind off things, thus fueling my procrastination and eventually edging me towards projecting my hatred of myself unto everything else. This was the age where I started to take note of my appearance. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I smiled. Every time I looked in the mirror all I could see was flaw after flaw after flaw. It was the year that if you asked me what I hated most, my answer would be "myself".
16. That's the age I will be in a few weeks. And I can't tell you that i've recovered, and that I found my self esteem hiding under the bed and now i'm all happy and jolly again. I can't tell you that, because it's not the truth. I am numb, now. I feel too much and too little at the same time that it makes me feel nothing. But sometimes i think it's better than feeling angry at myself all the time. Like, you know how in surgeries, the doctors have to anesthetize you before cutting you up and getting rid of the thing that's killing you so that you feel better and healthier after that? Maybe that's what it's like, or what i'm in now. I am numb because i have to rid myself of all the shitty things, to make way for the better things. Maybe. I don't know for sure, but that's the only thing that is keeping me sane at the moment.
I know, some think it's attention seeking of people to beat down every compliment they get. But honestly, they just don't get it. Insecure people reject compliments because they think (in their heads they know, actually) that it's not true. That they aren't worth it. And every time they post a selfie and people comment and say "oh you're beautiful!!" yes, it does somewhat make them feel better, but sorry, it doesn't instantaneously get rid of that nagging feeling that all the comments are a lie, and that they are unworthy, which is why they keep denying and denying. It's not because they want more people to shower them with compliments, absolutely not. It's just honestly because they feel like they don't deserve it.
and i feel sorry for you if you feel that that's attention seeking. Ya sure, if they do it all the time it does eventually become annoying, but man, i can't tell you how shitty it is to be in insecure person's shoes. It just really sucks.
The only way to beat your own inner demons is by taking them by the horns and wrestling them into a jail cell. What i'm trying to say is, you can get rid of them, those awful voices that feed you with bad thoughts. But first of all, you have to want to and then you have to have the discipline and the drive to train yourself to block it out. You CAN do it. You CAN be happy again, and you will be. I promise. You just have to try, and give yourself time, and you have to get back up every time you stumble. You just have to. Because life is so much more than being angry and sad and confused all the time, okay? And everybody deserves to live.
Yeah that's all haha bye.
When i was 12, i was really, really confident. So confident that many say that i was on the verge of being a bitch, but to me, to that 12 year old version of myself, i was good enough. I believed that i was smart enough, that i was talented, and beauty, or the way i looked, never really bothered me much. I was content. Even my bushy hair was something i was proud of back then. I believed that i was worth something.
And then i turned 13, and suddenly i was thrown into this huge school of gorgeous, smart girls who were pretty much perfect in every aspect. I didn't realize it back then, but it took a toll on my self confidence. Especially when I started going downhill, academically. But i just took it in stride, I brushed it off and continued bouncing around and being myself as my confidence level decreased as the year went by. Form 1 was good, but it was the start to my fall.
Form 2, I was 14. stuff happened. and woosh, before I knew it, i lost all sense of any sort of self worth. Gone. In the blink of an eye. I went to believing i was something to believing I was nothing. Day after day, my mind was filled with so much hatred, for myself. All I could think about was how much i didn't deserve to be alive, all i could think about was what a piece of crap I was. and then everything pretty much went downhill. and this time, it wasn't just academically. It was emotionally, physically, mentally. I lost myself.
15. It wasn't getting any better. It was the same state of self hatred and anger, all directed at myself. And then i started forgetting what it was like before, how I was like before, and it was hard for me to concentrate on anything. It was the age i started sleeping late, staying up, consumed by awful thoughts. It was the age that i escaped to tumblr, blogging my mind off things, thus fueling my procrastination and eventually edging me towards projecting my hatred of myself unto everything else. This was the age where I started to take note of my appearance. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I smiled. Every time I looked in the mirror all I could see was flaw after flaw after flaw. It was the year that if you asked me what I hated most, my answer would be "myself".
16. That's the age I will be in a few weeks. And I can't tell you that i've recovered, and that I found my self esteem hiding under the bed and now i'm all happy and jolly again. I can't tell you that, because it's not the truth. I am numb, now. I feel too much and too little at the same time that it makes me feel nothing. But sometimes i think it's better than feeling angry at myself all the time. Like, you know how in surgeries, the doctors have to anesthetize you before cutting you up and getting rid of the thing that's killing you so that you feel better and healthier after that? Maybe that's what it's like, or what i'm in now. I am numb because i have to rid myself of all the shitty things, to make way for the better things. Maybe. I don't know for sure, but that's the only thing that is keeping me sane at the moment.
I know, some think it's attention seeking of people to beat down every compliment they get. But honestly, they just don't get it. Insecure people reject compliments because they think (in their heads they know, actually) that it's not true. That they aren't worth it. And every time they post a selfie and people comment and say "oh you're beautiful!!" yes, it does somewhat make them feel better, but sorry, it doesn't instantaneously get rid of that nagging feeling that all the comments are a lie, and that they are unworthy, which is why they keep denying and denying. It's not because they want more people to shower them with compliments, absolutely not. It's just honestly because they feel like they don't deserve it.
and i feel sorry for you if you feel that that's attention seeking. Ya sure, if they do it all the time it does eventually become annoying, but man, i can't tell you how shitty it is to be in insecure person's shoes. It just really sucks.
The only way to beat your own inner demons is by taking them by the horns and wrestling them into a jail cell. What i'm trying to say is, you can get rid of them, those awful voices that feed you with bad thoughts. But first of all, you have to want to and then you have to have the discipline and the drive to train yourself to block it out. You CAN do it. You CAN be happy again, and you will be. I promise. You just have to try, and give yourself time, and you have to get back up every time you stumble. You just have to. Because life is so much more than being angry and sad and confused all the time, okay? And everybody deserves to live.
Yeah that's all haha bye.
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