"riot"
Hi.
I'm 16! It's been 5 days since my birthday and school reopening. Things were going pretty great. The holidays were amazing, probably one of the best 2 and a half weeks of my life all thanks to a certain amazing guy huhu. and school has been pretty good too, so far. Life was well, pleasant. and I was happy.
Anyway, there's something that's been bothering me and it's been something that i can't get out of my head and naturally i've chosen to blog about it because blogging about it actually does help me somewhat.
Back when I was in a deep pit of self-absorbed hatred and anger and muddled feelings for myself, I never could think straight. This was my mindset; that I was alone, that nobody cared, that i wasn't good enough, that everyone hated me, that everyone would leave and that despite everything, things will never get better. And every night that i spent crying myself to sleep, i believed was my last one, because i thought that i was so horrible and i wished and prayed hard for God to take me away in my sleep so that i'd stop being a useless piece of shit who was a nuisance to everyone, and so that i didn't have to end my life myself.
That was my ruthless train of thought at one point of my life. and i still think like that, sometimes. only it's not that bad now, and it's much more toned down and rather than feeling that way 24/7 i only feel like that every once in a while.
I'm not going to say that i'm better now and that the world is a fucking rainbow complete with sunshines and butterflies, and soon enough i'm going to ride off into the sunset on a unicorn. That's not even what i'm trying to say. Because let's face it, life is never going to be perfect. it will ALWAYS have it's ups and downs. Just like how there's always pros and cons to everything. Nothing is perfect. You're not perfect, so why should we ever begin to think that life will ever be perfect?
I'm trying to say that life sucks. but at the same time, life can be pretty dang good. and i will never know how such wonderful things like love and friendship could co exist with shitty and horrible things like inner demons and self hatred, but life manages to be the thing that brings both the good and bad together to create this imperfectly perfect cycle of being happy and then being sad, this roller coaster of good times and bad times.
And it just sucks, that anybody has to go through thinking such horrible things about themselves.
It sucks that anyone would ever think that they're alone. Because if there's one thing i can guarantee you, it's that you are never, ever alone.
YES you may think you are alone in the sense that no one checks up on you, no one asks how you are doing, or that you're alone because you just fought with your best friends and now you have no one to whatsapp and do the things you usually would do with your best friends.
But what i'm trying to say is that you will never ever be alone in the sense that someone out there is thinking about you. It could be a stranger, some random dude who saw you at the mall and thought you were interesting and beautiful but was too shy to go up to you, and you'll be in his thoughts and in that way, you are not alone. It could be someone from school, a junior or a senior who is too scared to go up to you because they think they aren't good enough to be friends with someone like you. In that way, you are never alone. You are not alone because there will ALWAYS be someone who is thinking about you out there, there is always someone who is reminded of you when they see something that brings back memories of them and you. Life is not just your own personal bubble of feelings of self hatred and tiredness and stress and depression, no. Your life is always interlinked with someone else's, and in that way you are never alone.
And that is why i get mad when someone says that no one would care if they died. because fuck, i can guarantee you that someone will cry upon hearing about your death. People will go to your funeral and be sad because you aren't alive anymore. And you might think, "Oh, then what's the point? I'd be dead by then. They should've showed me that they cared before this. It's too late now." And yeah, i agree. but that's just how humans are. They never realize what they have until it's ripped away from them. Which is why you have to ask for it. You have to ask for someone to care about you. and i assure you, at least one person will turn up willing to do just that. And no, i can't deny the fact that people leave. But people leave because they need to make space for better and more people in your life which is why you mustn't think of people leaving you as a bad thing.
I dont know why im typing all this out. I guess I just feel like if anyone is reading this and you've been through or you're going through it now, I just want you to know all this. Because those sugarcoated words of encouragement you can find on tumblr never used to work on me. If anything, it made me angrier and sadder because of how much I believed that those words will never apply to me bcs I was horrible and I deserved to die and no one could convince me otherwise. So I hope that this honest piece of writing will somehow guide you to not hate yourself as much as you do now, and make you feel better for having someone who understands, I guess.
The thing about me is that everything I feel is always amplified. I either feel too much or I feel nothing at all. I love so hard or I dont love at all. I feel sad to the point where I cant function, or I just dont feel anything at all. Which is why it was hard for me to get to the point where I am now, where I learnt to appreciate my friends and where I asked for help when I needed it. And like I pointed out before, I'm not trying to say im completely cured now, no. I've just come to accept life as it is and try to make the best out of it.
So that's that. I want you to know that life is worth the wait and that one day you're going to find someone, who makes you question why you thought you were better off dead. And I stress once again, you're not alone. I'm here if you think you dont have anyone. All you have to do is approach me and I promise I'll do my best to be there for you. Please hang on, I believe in you, and if no one's told you this: I love you.
I'm 16! It's been 5 days since my birthday and school reopening. Things were going pretty great. The holidays were amazing, probably one of the best 2 and a half weeks of my life all thanks to a certain amazing guy huhu. and school has been pretty good too, so far. Life was well, pleasant. and I was happy.
Anyway, there's something that's been bothering me and it's been something that i can't get out of my head and naturally i've chosen to blog about it because blogging about it actually does help me somewhat.
Back when I was in a deep pit of self-absorbed hatred and anger and muddled feelings for myself, I never could think straight. This was my mindset; that I was alone, that nobody cared, that i wasn't good enough, that everyone hated me, that everyone would leave and that despite everything, things will never get better. And every night that i spent crying myself to sleep, i believed was my last one, because i thought that i was so horrible and i wished and prayed hard for God to take me away in my sleep so that i'd stop being a useless piece of shit who was a nuisance to everyone, and so that i didn't have to end my life myself.
That was my ruthless train of thought at one point of my life. and i still think like that, sometimes. only it's not that bad now, and it's much more toned down and rather than feeling that way 24/7 i only feel like that every once in a while.
I'm not going to say that i'm better now and that the world is a fucking rainbow complete with sunshines and butterflies, and soon enough i'm going to ride off into the sunset on a unicorn. That's not even what i'm trying to say. Because let's face it, life is never going to be perfect. it will ALWAYS have it's ups and downs. Just like how there's always pros and cons to everything. Nothing is perfect. You're not perfect, so why should we ever begin to think that life will ever be perfect?
I'm trying to say that life sucks. but at the same time, life can be pretty dang good. and i will never know how such wonderful things like love and friendship could co exist with shitty and horrible things like inner demons and self hatred, but life manages to be the thing that brings both the good and bad together to create this imperfectly perfect cycle of being happy and then being sad, this roller coaster of good times and bad times.
And it just sucks, that anybody has to go through thinking such horrible things about themselves.
It sucks that anyone would ever think that they're alone. Because if there's one thing i can guarantee you, it's that you are never, ever alone.
YES you may think you are alone in the sense that no one checks up on you, no one asks how you are doing, or that you're alone because you just fought with your best friends and now you have no one to whatsapp and do the things you usually would do with your best friends.
But what i'm trying to say is that you will never ever be alone in the sense that someone out there is thinking about you. It could be a stranger, some random dude who saw you at the mall and thought you were interesting and beautiful but was too shy to go up to you, and you'll be in his thoughts and in that way, you are not alone. It could be someone from school, a junior or a senior who is too scared to go up to you because they think they aren't good enough to be friends with someone like you. In that way, you are never alone. You are not alone because there will ALWAYS be someone who is thinking about you out there, there is always someone who is reminded of you when they see something that brings back memories of them and you. Life is not just your own personal bubble of feelings of self hatred and tiredness and stress and depression, no. Your life is always interlinked with someone else's, and in that way you are never alone.
And that is why i get mad when someone says that no one would care if they died. because fuck, i can guarantee you that someone will cry upon hearing about your death. People will go to your funeral and be sad because you aren't alive anymore. And you might think, "Oh, then what's the point? I'd be dead by then. They should've showed me that they cared before this. It's too late now." And yeah, i agree. but that's just how humans are. They never realize what they have until it's ripped away from them. Which is why you have to ask for it. You have to ask for someone to care about you. and i assure you, at least one person will turn up willing to do just that. And no, i can't deny the fact that people leave. But people leave because they need to make space for better and more people in your life which is why you mustn't think of people leaving you as a bad thing.
I dont know why im typing all this out. I guess I just feel like if anyone is reading this and you've been through or you're going through it now, I just want you to know all this. Because those sugarcoated words of encouragement you can find on tumblr never used to work on me. If anything, it made me angrier and sadder because of how much I believed that those words will never apply to me bcs I was horrible and I deserved to die and no one could convince me otherwise. So I hope that this honest piece of writing will somehow guide you to not hate yourself as much as you do now, and make you feel better for having someone who understands, I guess.
The thing about me is that everything I feel is always amplified. I either feel too much or I feel nothing at all. I love so hard or I dont love at all. I feel sad to the point where I cant function, or I just dont feel anything at all. Which is why it was hard for me to get to the point where I am now, where I learnt to appreciate my friends and where I asked for help when I needed it. And like I pointed out before, I'm not trying to say im completely cured now, no. I've just come to accept life as it is and try to make the best out of it.
So that's that. I want you to know that life is worth the wait and that one day you're going to find someone, who makes you question why you thought you were better off dead. And I stress once again, you're not alone. I'm here if you think you dont have anyone. All you have to do is approach me and I promise I'll do my best to be there for you. Please hang on, I believe in you, and if no one's told you this: I love you.
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