I know what they think.
I know what they think.
I know they look at me and think I am this happy go lucky girl who never gets sad, who cheers everyone up by cracking a stupid joke or two. I know that they think, I have a perfect life. Perfect little family, perfect boyfriend (this is the only part i agree with) and the perfect friends. "She can never be sad," they think, "because she has so many friends and so many people who love her and are there for her. If I had her life and 'personality', i would be so happy." I know that they think, "What's the big deal? She just has to stop over thinking and start thinking positive instead! One positive thought goes a long way!! It's simple enough!!!"
It's just all wrong.
Maybe not to you, and I appreciate you thinking of me as that sort of girl, but to myself, I am everything but that. I'm a fake. I fake being happy. I fake the laughter. I fake the smiles. You can look at my smile and think that i'm happy, but God knows what's on my mind at the time. The toxic thoughts and voices in my head plague me all day long and to keep them at bay, i laugh it off. I laugh at everything. I laugh so that I don't break down and cry. I fake it because I know nobody would want to be around a person who stinks of depression 24/7. I don't let a lot of people see the way I really am, because I know they will leave me in the end. I hate opening up and letting people see how vulnerable I am. I only do that to people I am close to, and i hate doing it because once I open up, I start to shut them out. I find ways to make them hate me, because I know they are better off without me and by making them hate me they'll leave and be much more happier.
But no one has seen me when I was stuck in a corner, gasping for air, clawing at my face and pulling at my hair, trapped by the awfulness of the thoughts engulfing me. No one has seen me when I was stuck in the toilet, puking my guts out because the voices in my head were making me literally sick. No one has seen me that way. Which is why I disagree when people claim that I'm a 'nice person' who 'doesn't deserve pain' and is the 'happiest girl I know'.
If I don't deserve the pain, why do I have it? Why have I been stuck with it for what feels like so long? I can't even remember how it was like not to have these kind of thoughts in my head. I can't remember what it was like to be genuinely happy without a worry in the world. All I can feel is this hatred for myself. And I know it might be hypocritical of me, to promote self love and to ask other people to fight their voices when I can hardly control mine. And I did think I had control. The past 3 months, although the voices were there, I could fight them off. Bit by bit, by combating them with better thoughts or just music. But the bad thoughts just gradually started getting stronger and stronger, and I got overwhelmed. and I got tired of having to fight. I got tired of the struggle. And i broke down.
It's really just an endless cycle to me. And i'm sick of it. But i just have to suck it up and deal with it. Right? Right.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't even know why I bothered typing this all out. But this is me. This is how it's like in my head.
You know what I really want? I want someone to tell me it'll be okay. And I know it might not be okay in a long time, but having someone say that in a believable way to me really helps. I find that that is the only thing that people can say that helps me anymore.
I have heard all kinds of lectures, and people assuming that this thing i have is because i let them take over. You try having to fight them every single fucking day, every single fucking minute. You try, and get back to me and see if you dare say that i "let them take over." I don't have a fucking choice in this. Sure, i can choose to fight them. but that's all i have. i can choose to fight or die. It's not choosing to fight or get-better-instantly-with-one-positive-thought. and over and over again i choose to fight and it still leads me back to this goddamn rock bottom.
I will never get better, I think. I can only learn to control them. That's the most I can do because these thoughts and voices are never going to leave me alone.
and I'm sorry.
I know they look at me and think I am this happy go lucky girl who never gets sad, who cheers everyone up by cracking a stupid joke or two. I know that they think, I have a perfect life. Perfect little family, perfect boyfriend (this is the only part i agree with) and the perfect friends. "She can never be sad," they think, "because she has so many friends and so many people who love her and are there for her. If I had her life and 'personality', i would be so happy." I know that they think, "What's the big deal? She just has to stop over thinking and start thinking positive instead! One positive thought goes a long way!! It's simple enough!!!"
It's just all wrong.
Maybe not to you, and I appreciate you thinking of me as that sort of girl, but to myself, I am everything but that. I'm a fake. I fake being happy. I fake the laughter. I fake the smiles. You can look at my smile and think that i'm happy, but God knows what's on my mind at the time. The toxic thoughts and voices in my head plague me all day long and to keep them at bay, i laugh it off. I laugh at everything. I laugh so that I don't break down and cry. I fake it because I know nobody would want to be around a person who stinks of depression 24/7. I don't let a lot of people see the way I really am, because I know they will leave me in the end. I hate opening up and letting people see how vulnerable I am. I only do that to people I am close to, and i hate doing it because once I open up, I start to shut them out. I find ways to make them hate me, because I know they are better off without me and by making them hate me they'll leave and be much more happier.
But no one has seen me when I was stuck in a corner, gasping for air, clawing at my face and pulling at my hair, trapped by the awfulness of the thoughts engulfing me. No one has seen me when I was stuck in the toilet, puking my guts out because the voices in my head were making me literally sick. No one has seen me that way. Which is why I disagree when people claim that I'm a 'nice person' who 'doesn't deserve pain' and is the 'happiest girl I know'.
If I don't deserve the pain, why do I have it? Why have I been stuck with it for what feels like so long? I can't even remember how it was like not to have these kind of thoughts in my head. I can't remember what it was like to be genuinely happy without a worry in the world. All I can feel is this hatred for myself. And I know it might be hypocritical of me, to promote self love and to ask other people to fight their voices when I can hardly control mine. And I did think I had control. The past 3 months, although the voices were there, I could fight them off. Bit by bit, by combating them with better thoughts or just music. But the bad thoughts just gradually started getting stronger and stronger, and I got overwhelmed. and I got tired of having to fight. I got tired of the struggle. And i broke down.
It's really just an endless cycle to me. And i'm sick of it. But i just have to suck it up and deal with it. Right? Right.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't even know why I bothered typing this all out. But this is me. This is how it's like in my head.
You know what I really want? I want someone to tell me it'll be okay. And I know it might not be okay in a long time, but having someone say that in a believable way to me really helps. I find that that is the only thing that people can say that helps me anymore.
I have heard all kinds of lectures, and people assuming that this thing i have is because i let them take over. You try having to fight them every single fucking day, every single fucking minute. You try, and get back to me and see if you dare say that i "let them take over." I don't have a fucking choice in this. Sure, i can choose to fight them. but that's all i have. i can choose to fight or die. It's not choosing to fight or get-better-instantly-with-one-positive-thought. and over and over again i choose to fight and it still leads me back to this goddamn rock bottom.
I will never get better, I think. I can only learn to control them. That's the most I can do because these thoughts and voices are never going to leave me alone.
and I'm sorry.
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