An open letter to my ex-lover.

Hey you. How have you been? Its only been a few weeks but it feels like a lifetime has passed since you and me came to an end. Since then, its been a rollercoaster of emotions. At first, i hated you. I hated you with all my guts. I despised you for not fighting for me. I abhorred the fact that i didnt understand how you suddenly stopped loving me. You never said it out loud, but it was on the table. I couldn't comprehend why else you wouldnt stay. People only leave when they don't love you anymore. So i guess that might have been the reason you left without too much of a struggle. And then after the anger came the inexplicable sadness. Although i was the one who asked for the break up, it felt like i was the one being dumped. It seemed like it too. I was the only one who seemed to feel sad. I was the one consumed by it. All I could think about was just "where did i go wrong?" "Why doesnt he want me anymore?" "How do i fix this?" I couldnt stop thinking and thinking, and crying. There was so much crying. The amount of unanswerable questions made me feel like exploding. Regrettably and stupidly,  I also called you. Many times. And everytime you shot me down. You were cold. You were, someone else. It was hard to absorb. How do you see the person you thought loved you so much and who used to say cute shit to you as the same person who kept saying they didnt want to be with you, who made you feel like a nuisance and a burden. It made me wonder when exactly you became that person. And how long i decided to be oblivious to it and force myself to see past it. It also made me wonder, whether any of the 2 year relationship we had was real. Was it fear that drove you to stay instead of love? Was it attachment? Was it the idea of having a girlfriend? Was it the thought that you couldnt cope with the idea of being alone again that pushed you to stay? I cant stand thinking that. I cant stand thinking it wasnt real because it was all so real for me. I gave all my loving and i never wanted to stop. I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted to see you be successful and i wanted to be by your side every step of the way so that you would have someone you could fall back on. It was so real. And when i was with you i never had a doubt that i was giving my all to the right person. But now all i can think is that i gave my all to someone who maybe, didnt even love me. Who maybe never did. Who maybe just got caught up with the idea of having someone instead of being happy with the idea of having ME. After the sadness, came, the acceptance. I now accept the fact that we didn't work out, and that i too had a hand in the break up. I was difficult, and i was selfish and i could've been more considerate. But there's nothing i can do about it except to make it a lesson and things to be avoided the next time i fall in love with someone. One thing i'll never apologise for though, is asking for love and asking for more of your time. I never want to beg for someone's elses attention and time again. Attention and loving and time is never too much to ask for from someone who's supposed to give you just that. Despite all these things ive been thinking, I want you to know that i still love you. I always will. Wholeheartedly. I never stop loving people even though they're done loving me. And because i love you, i want you to be happy. So i hope you find someone you love. Someone you really, actually love. Someone you would never ever give up on, no matter how rough things get. Someone you wouldnt make excuses for. Someone you saw the stars and the sun in, and someone who saw the exact same in you. Maybe, although i still doubt whether or not it was real, maybe we had that love once. And perhaps we didnt hold onto it tightly enough. We let it slip and we let life get in the way. But i hope when you find the next person you love, i hope you dont make the same mistakes we did. Never let go. Dont give up. You deserve the world. And so do i. If you ever need me, I'll always be here. I hope you find your happiness.

Sincerely,
Eisyah.