2016.
2016. The year of realising things - Kylie Jenner.
Everyone thought that that was such a bimbo statement but man, it couldn't have been more accurate. I learnt so much this year. Over the span of 12 months, I've managed to get my heart broken 2 weeks before my birthday. And then, I fell in love again, only to have it end with another hole in my heart.
I started off the year, in a relationship, thinking that I was going to stay with that boy forever. I was so sure I was going to end up marrying him. Six months later, after weeks of feeling so unhappy with myself and just everything in general, I ended things with him. I could feel myself dragging him down with me, down a path I would never wish unto anyone, so I let him go because I knew that, God, that lovely boy deserved so much better than someone so broken, so selfish. The few weeks that followed were no doubt, terrible. I was lonely, and the worst part was that I was left alone with myself. I was forced to handle my own company, to get to know myself again. I hated myself. It was hard, dealing with someone you despised, especially when that person is your own self. You can't run away from yourself. But I got through it, and I wouldn't have, had it not been for my amazing friends. Ai Ming, Shen, Mar....I really hope you know how much I owe you guys. Without you guys I honestly don't even know if I'd be alive right now. But I am, and that's all thanks to you guys, so thank you. After a month of just distracting myself with as many things as possible (music, books, movies, shows) I finally arrived to the chapter I had been waiting for, for a long time. Uni life. Orientation day. The day my new life would begin. Looking back, I honestly don't know what I was so excited about. I guess I was just looking forward to 'growing up.' Little did I know that, growing up, it really isn't as fun or as magical as the movies make it out to be. In reality, growing up was really just learning to deal with the reality that just because you mean everything you say, it doesn't mean everyone else does too. Growing up meant figuring out how to deal with the heartache of knowing how horrible and nasty people can be. But then again, it's really not all that bad. Growing up also meant learning to harness your own potential, it meant realising you have it and trying your best to work on it, and surrounding yourself with people who just want to see you channel that potential in you to become a better version of yourself. Growing up was finding people you never knew you'd click with and having a bond with them that would last forever. Ultimately, growing up was both good and bad. Fire and water. Light and dark. In the end, everything balances out, and we have to remember that we can plan as meticulously as we want but God has the best plan in the end. All we can do is go through the motions, and hope for the best.
In the middle of my uni journey, I fell in love again. This time, it was like fireworks in my chest, it was sparks flying every time I was near him. It was everything the books wrote out great loves to be.
So I guess it made sense for it to be short lived and for me to realise he would never, ever be completely mine in a million lifetimes. That was when I learnt that you could meet someone and have his/her soul feel completely compatible with yours, but it doesn't mean that he/she is yours to keep. You could love someone with all your heart till you feel like your chest is about to burst, you could be crying yourself to sleep, worried sick about him till your hands are shaking and your head is spinning, you could love someone that much, and it still won't mean he'll love you the way you love him. That's the cruelest thing I've ever come across, to be completely, irrevocably devoted to someone and have the person treat you like a second choice. But growing up means realising that love, is love. Love means putting that person's happiness first. Love means you stick by them through the bad times and the good times. It certainly doesn't mean you stop loving him just because he doesn't love you back. So i still love him. Just like i still love the boy before. But i love them from afar, because that's the best way I can love them for now.
Academically, though, I think that I've grown a bit stronger. Taking FNBE was a good decision, it made me grow in ways I never thought I would. I know now that I have so much potential to do great things, and i'm getting there, but I still have so much to learn. I still have to push harder. But at least now, I know that I could be good at something for once, that I have my own ideas that are worth sharing and listening to. So that's definitely something to work on, but at least now i know i have something at all to work on.
2016 hurt like hell, honestly. That's the best way to describe my year. It was mostly pain, and bad, bad decisions. But from that pain, from all the mistakes, I learnt so much. I understand life a bit more now, and although the voices in my head have yet to quiet, at least I know how to deal with them. Despite learning all these terrible truths about the world and how life works, I'm adamant to maintain a childlike view of everything. I'm determined to make sure I see the world as it could be, not how it already is. I feel like we are lacking that, nowadays, the ability to see things like a child, to be selfless, to be kind, to wonder at everything. I will try to be like that for as long as I can, whilst also trying to be as mature about situations as possible. Balance. That's my goal for 2017. My goal is to find the perfect balance in my life. Hopefully I find it.
Here's to 2017. I hope everyone reading this has an incredible year ahead of them. <3
Everyone thought that that was such a bimbo statement but man, it couldn't have been more accurate. I learnt so much this year. Over the span of 12 months, I've managed to get my heart broken 2 weeks before my birthday. And then, I fell in love again, only to have it end with another hole in my heart.
I started off the year, in a relationship, thinking that I was going to stay with that boy forever. I was so sure I was going to end up marrying him. Six months later, after weeks of feeling so unhappy with myself and just everything in general, I ended things with him. I could feel myself dragging him down with me, down a path I would never wish unto anyone, so I let him go because I knew that, God, that lovely boy deserved so much better than someone so broken, so selfish. The few weeks that followed were no doubt, terrible. I was lonely, and the worst part was that I was left alone with myself. I was forced to handle my own company, to get to know myself again. I hated myself. It was hard, dealing with someone you despised, especially when that person is your own self. You can't run away from yourself. But I got through it, and I wouldn't have, had it not been for my amazing friends. Ai Ming, Shen, Mar....I really hope you know how much I owe you guys. Without you guys I honestly don't even know if I'd be alive right now. But I am, and that's all thanks to you guys, so thank you. After a month of just distracting myself with as many things as possible (music, books, movies, shows) I finally arrived to the chapter I had been waiting for, for a long time. Uni life. Orientation day. The day my new life would begin. Looking back, I honestly don't know what I was so excited about. I guess I was just looking forward to 'growing up.' Little did I know that, growing up, it really isn't as fun or as magical as the movies make it out to be. In reality, growing up was really just learning to deal with the reality that just because you mean everything you say, it doesn't mean everyone else does too. Growing up meant figuring out how to deal with the heartache of knowing how horrible and nasty people can be. But then again, it's really not all that bad. Growing up also meant learning to harness your own potential, it meant realising you have it and trying your best to work on it, and surrounding yourself with people who just want to see you channel that potential in you to become a better version of yourself. Growing up was finding people you never knew you'd click with and having a bond with them that would last forever. Ultimately, growing up was both good and bad. Fire and water. Light and dark. In the end, everything balances out, and we have to remember that we can plan as meticulously as we want but God has the best plan in the end. All we can do is go through the motions, and hope for the best.
In the middle of my uni journey, I fell in love again. This time, it was like fireworks in my chest, it was sparks flying every time I was near him. It was everything the books wrote out great loves to be.
So I guess it made sense for it to be short lived and for me to realise he would never, ever be completely mine in a million lifetimes. That was when I learnt that you could meet someone and have his/her soul feel completely compatible with yours, but it doesn't mean that he/she is yours to keep. You could love someone with all your heart till you feel like your chest is about to burst, you could be crying yourself to sleep, worried sick about him till your hands are shaking and your head is spinning, you could love someone that much, and it still won't mean he'll love you the way you love him. That's the cruelest thing I've ever come across, to be completely, irrevocably devoted to someone and have the person treat you like a second choice. But growing up means realising that love, is love. Love means putting that person's happiness first. Love means you stick by them through the bad times and the good times. It certainly doesn't mean you stop loving him just because he doesn't love you back. So i still love him. Just like i still love the boy before. But i love them from afar, because that's the best way I can love them for now.
Academically, though, I think that I've grown a bit stronger. Taking FNBE was a good decision, it made me grow in ways I never thought I would. I know now that I have so much potential to do great things, and i'm getting there, but I still have so much to learn. I still have to push harder. But at least now, I know that I could be good at something for once, that I have my own ideas that are worth sharing and listening to. So that's definitely something to work on, but at least now i know i have something at all to work on.
2016 hurt like hell, honestly. That's the best way to describe my year. It was mostly pain, and bad, bad decisions. But from that pain, from all the mistakes, I learnt so much. I understand life a bit more now, and although the voices in my head have yet to quiet, at least I know how to deal with them. Despite learning all these terrible truths about the world and how life works, I'm adamant to maintain a childlike view of everything. I'm determined to make sure I see the world as it could be, not how it already is. I feel like we are lacking that, nowadays, the ability to see things like a child, to be selfless, to be kind, to wonder at everything. I will try to be like that for as long as I can, whilst also trying to be as mature about situations as possible. Balance. That's my goal for 2017. My goal is to find the perfect balance in my life. Hopefully I find it.
Here's to 2017. I hope everyone reading this has an incredible year ahead of them. <3
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