La fin, le début.
The end, the beginning.
It's June 2017, and my year of FNBE at Taylor's Lakeside has finally drawn to a close. It felt never-ending in the midst of it all, but here I am, at the end. I made it, not unscathed unfortunately, but I made it and that's an achievement in itself. I feel like I should feel accomplished and proud of myself, but in reality I just feel drained, empty, confused, and so unbelievably tired. Exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I learnt so much this past year, and I've had my fair share of ups and downs, gains and losses. I've definitely improved, although not to the level I want to be at. But I feel like I've gotten worse too, in some aspects.
I've improved in the sense that I've now come to realize for once in my life that maybe I am good at something. Through fnbe, I've been able to explore my creativity and be honestly impressed by the fact that I have any good ideas at all My ideas may be seen as weird but i'd like to think that that's what sets me apart from other people. I learnt about design solutions, and landscaping, and urban city stuff that I actually honestly enjoyed learning. I learnt how to work in a group, i learnt how to work on my own. I learnt that criticism isn't always a bad thing and I'm again impressed by how much better I can handle critiques. I've learnt to harness that mindset of taking in all the opinions on my work to make it better instead of just crumbling in on myself and refusing to accept it. Overall I learnt that I have potential.
And I hate that.
I hate that I know i have potential but I don't seem to be pushing myself to achieve it. I hate that i still can't draw to save my life and I hate that when i don't like learning about something I tend to do badly in that particular thing because I just don't enjoy and can't seem to make myself do it. Which is a terrible mindset. I hate that my time management is awful and i always do things last minute, God knows why. And i hate that every time, i start off the semester on a good note and I always just gradually get worse and lose all motivation towards the end of the sem. I hate that I just can't find that thing that really pushes me to do great. Im doing okay, but I just know that I can do great things. I know a lot of people see that in me too and i just hate that i keep letting them down.
Currently I'm not even sure if architecture is the way to go for me. I love architecture, I love the impact it has, I love how it interlaces into our daily lives, I love analyzing buildings and coming up with my own interpretations. I'm just not sure if i'm cut out for it. I'm a words kind of person. I like writing long ass essays of my thoughts on things. Architecture is the exact opposite of that. It's visuals, graphics, pictures. I still can't even draw, so I'm not sure if I could survive it. I think if i do continue, i really need to find that one thing that drives me enough to get me out of bed and not procrastinate. hopefully i'll find it soon enough.
That's the academics aspect of it all. My personal life, well, right now things are a blur. Uni life really changed things. It changed me, in ways I never thought it would. For better, or for worse? I'm not so sure myself. I feel like if my 12 year old self were to see me now, she wouldn't be able to recognize me. I don't know what she'd think of me. I'll admit, I'm proud of myself for being a lot less tolerant to taking bullshit from people, now. I'm proud of myself for being able to cut people who weren't good for me out of my life. But I'm sad, because I used to be that girl who would always see the good in people no matter what, the one who would readily forgive and forget, the one who made sure people were happy even though she was far from it. Past experiences have made me more cautious, suspicious of everyone around me, afraid of hoping for anything good because I'm not sure my heart can handle the pain of being let down so bad again. It's just sad to see how life has hardened me in a way. Maybe, my past self would be seen as being naive, but sometimes I'd rather be that than cold like this. There's a lot of things that happened in the past year that I never thought would happen to me. But it still happened, and i'm not sure if i handled it the best way i could, but they're all lessons to be learnt, right?
Whatever it is, I'm thankful for everything I got out of my year in fnbe. I'm thankful for the amazing teachers that I tend to overlook and under-appreciate. Miss Dee, Miss Iffa, if y'all are reading this (I doubt you are) I just want you guys to know that you're one of the best teachers I've ever had the privilege of being a student of. Thank you for everything that you guys do, and thank you for pushing us all to be the best we could be. I'm sorry for letting you down so often, but i'm still thankful for your guidance. I'm also thankful for the friends that stayed by my side despite how much I've changed. The ones who were patient with me even though i kept not listening to their advice because i'm stubborn as fuck haha. You guys know who you are, and i'm eternally grateful for all of you. I'm especially thankful to the ones that left. Although you guys aren't in my life anymore, the lessons that I gained from losing y'all, i'll remember forever. And you, I hope you know that i don't hate you, for leaving. I'm sad that things aren't the way they used to be, but things happen for a reason. I hope you're doing better now.
I'll tell you what, though, it sucks to lose the people you thought would be in your life forever. It's a feeling i'll never be able to describe, because the pain that comes with it is too out of this world.
Last but never the least, I'm thankful for this boy I'm in love with. I met you halfway through this course, and you were the one bit of happiness that stayed constant throughout. I loved falling in love with you, and i love being in love with you, and i love you as a person and i'm so grateful you're in my life. Thank you for being you, hehe.
Overall, FNBE was one hell of a ride. Would i do it again? hell no. But it did teach me a lot, and I guess it's up to me now to decide what to do with all this change,
The end is just the beginning to something new, after all.
x
It's June 2017, and my year of FNBE at Taylor's Lakeside has finally drawn to a close. It felt never-ending in the midst of it all, but here I am, at the end. I made it, not unscathed unfortunately, but I made it and that's an achievement in itself. I feel like I should feel accomplished and proud of myself, but in reality I just feel drained, empty, confused, and so unbelievably tired. Exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I learnt so much this past year, and I've had my fair share of ups and downs, gains and losses. I've definitely improved, although not to the level I want to be at. But I feel like I've gotten worse too, in some aspects.
I've improved in the sense that I've now come to realize for once in my life that maybe I am good at something. Through fnbe, I've been able to explore my creativity and be honestly impressed by the fact that I have any good ideas at all My ideas may be seen as weird but i'd like to think that that's what sets me apart from other people. I learnt about design solutions, and landscaping, and urban city stuff that I actually honestly enjoyed learning. I learnt how to work in a group, i learnt how to work on my own. I learnt that criticism isn't always a bad thing and I'm again impressed by how much better I can handle critiques. I've learnt to harness that mindset of taking in all the opinions on my work to make it better instead of just crumbling in on myself and refusing to accept it. Overall I learnt that I have potential.
And I hate that.
I hate that I know i have potential but I don't seem to be pushing myself to achieve it. I hate that i still can't draw to save my life and I hate that when i don't like learning about something I tend to do badly in that particular thing because I just don't enjoy and can't seem to make myself do it. Which is a terrible mindset. I hate that my time management is awful and i always do things last minute, God knows why. And i hate that every time, i start off the semester on a good note and I always just gradually get worse and lose all motivation towards the end of the sem. I hate that I just can't find that thing that really pushes me to do great. Im doing okay, but I just know that I can do great things. I know a lot of people see that in me too and i just hate that i keep letting them down.
Currently I'm not even sure if architecture is the way to go for me. I love architecture, I love the impact it has, I love how it interlaces into our daily lives, I love analyzing buildings and coming up with my own interpretations. I'm just not sure if i'm cut out for it. I'm a words kind of person. I like writing long ass essays of my thoughts on things. Architecture is the exact opposite of that. It's visuals, graphics, pictures. I still can't even draw, so I'm not sure if I could survive it. I think if i do continue, i really need to find that one thing that drives me enough to get me out of bed and not procrastinate. hopefully i'll find it soon enough.
That's the academics aspect of it all. My personal life, well, right now things are a blur. Uni life really changed things. It changed me, in ways I never thought it would. For better, or for worse? I'm not so sure myself. I feel like if my 12 year old self were to see me now, she wouldn't be able to recognize me. I don't know what she'd think of me. I'll admit, I'm proud of myself for being a lot less tolerant to taking bullshit from people, now. I'm proud of myself for being able to cut people who weren't good for me out of my life. But I'm sad, because I used to be that girl who would always see the good in people no matter what, the one who would readily forgive and forget, the one who made sure people were happy even though she was far from it. Past experiences have made me more cautious, suspicious of everyone around me, afraid of hoping for anything good because I'm not sure my heart can handle the pain of being let down so bad again. It's just sad to see how life has hardened me in a way. Maybe, my past self would be seen as being naive, but sometimes I'd rather be that than cold like this. There's a lot of things that happened in the past year that I never thought would happen to me. But it still happened, and i'm not sure if i handled it the best way i could, but they're all lessons to be learnt, right?
Whatever it is, I'm thankful for everything I got out of my year in fnbe. I'm thankful for the amazing teachers that I tend to overlook and under-appreciate. Miss Dee, Miss Iffa, if y'all are reading this (I doubt you are) I just want you guys to know that you're one of the best teachers I've ever had the privilege of being a student of. Thank you for everything that you guys do, and thank you for pushing us all to be the best we could be. I'm sorry for letting you down so often, but i'm still thankful for your guidance. I'm also thankful for the friends that stayed by my side despite how much I've changed. The ones who were patient with me even though i kept not listening to their advice because i'm stubborn as fuck haha. You guys know who you are, and i'm eternally grateful for all of you. I'm especially thankful to the ones that left. Although you guys aren't in my life anymore, the lessons that I gained from losing y'all, i'll remember forever. And you, I hope you know that i don't hate you, for leaving. I'm sad that things aren't the way they used to be, but things happen for a reason. I hope you're doing better now.
I'll tell you what, though, it sucks to lose the people you thought would be in your life forever. It's a feeling i'll never be able to describe, because the pain that comes with it is too out of this world.
Last but never the least, I'm thankful for this boy I'm in love with. I met you halfway through this course, and you were the one bit of happiness that stayed constant throughout. I loved falling in love with you, and i love being in love with you, and i love you as a person and i'm so grateful you're in my life. Thank you for being you, hehe.
Overall, FNBE was one hell of a ride. Would i do it again? hell no. But it did teach me a lot, and I guess it's up to me now to decide what to do with all this change,
The end is just the beginning to something new, after all.
x
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