2017
It's that time of the year again, where I attempt to recap my year and things i've learnt and condense them into the form of one blog post. So here goes.
2017.
What a fucking year.
A year of mostly downs, i admit. Honestly, it was a terrible year. I lost a lot of people this year, and i think along the way, i even lost myself. A lot of things happened that have changed me in a way that i can never go back to who i was. It was mostly a year of trying, and failing. A year that ended with a broken heart and a broken spirit.
It wasn't all bad things, though. I fell in love again this year. And falling in love is always a beautiful thing, no matter the outcome. I started my degree and I figured out that i still have a lot to learn. I went overseas for the first time in years and fell in love with cities I never dreamt of being able to visit. I got to travel alone and experience things i never thought i'd experience. My best friend YY and I founded our own 'mamak therapy'. I made new friends and bonds with people i never thought i'd be able to bond with.
But here i am now, at the end of 2017, with a broken heart and a broken will. But that's okay. Shit happens.
To you, if you're reading this ( i doubt you are ) i hope you know that i really do understand why we had to end. I know it wasn't easy for you, and it sure as hell ain't easy for me, but i think that in the long run we'll figure out why this was the best, for both of us. Falling in love with you was such a privilege, and I will always love you, that will never change. I don't hate you, and I don't think you're a bad person. You're just a person who's trying to make his way through life, just like me. So whatever it is, I forgive you, and i hope you forgive me too, for the things that I did wrong. I genuinely hope you find someone that can make you forget and push aside all the complications life throws your way.
I think it'll be a while before i can say i love you to someone else the way i meant it with you.
Anyway, i think i've spent too long putting other people's happiness and needs before mine. and i think that i've given people the opportunity to break me way too often, and i'm done with that. 2018 is gonna be all about me, and my heart, and my happiness. This time I'm not gonna let anything distract me from my studies and I'm gonna put my heart and soul into it and stop procrastinating so that i can get the grades i need and want, graduate and get the fuck out of this place. For a long time, my end goal has always been to get out of here. My studies is the only way i can do that, and I've been neglecting that. I know what i have to do, and I'm GONNA DO IT, no matter what it takes. and if your presence isn't gonna contribute to me getting to where i want to be then I'm not gonna have time for you and allow you to influence my feelings and thoughts and distract me from my goal.
I've learnt a lot out of this year. I think the main one would be that love isn't enough. It should be, if we lived in a fairytale world, but the truth is that it isn't. The reality is that there are so many other things that factor in when it comes to a relationship. Situational circumstances, time, distance, and a lot of other things. I used to think that love was enough. Love was some sort of magical thing that could overcome all of that. I don't think that anymore. I don't even think I know what love is anymore, maybe I never did, and that's okay. I'm still young, and i have a lifetime ahead of me to figure it out. Another thing that I've learnt this year is that you get the results you work for. Whatever you receive is reflective of what you give. This doesn't apply to relationships unfortunately because that involves humans and humans are complicated, but it applies more to work. and your studies. If you half ass shit you will get half ass results. if you work hard you will get good results. You can't give it 50% and then get sad when you get 25% back. So in 2018 I'm all about giving my all to studies so i can get what i want back. I'm not gonna let anyone, not even me and my stupid thoughts stop me. Im sick of letting my depression consume me, I'm sick of letting it get in the way of good days, I'm sick of it feeding me with thoughts that eat me alive, I'm SICK and TIRED of hating myself when I'm actually fucking great. I definitely don't deserve to be treating myself this way, when i already let other people do this to me too. So, no, i deserve the best, because i am a fucking amazing person and its about fucking time i realise that.
This was a year of pain, and confusion and doubts, but ultimately, it was a year of growth. And I'm gonna keep growing, and taking in whatever life throws at me and learning from it.
So, 2018, go ahead, give me your best shot. Im gonna come out of it stronger and happier.
I hope everyone reading this has a great 2018 ahead of them! <3
2017.
What a fucking year.
A year of mostly downs, i admit. Honestly, it was a terrible year. I lost a lot of people this year, and i think along the way, i even lost myself. A lot of things happened that have changed me in a way that i can never go back to who i was. It was mostly a year of trying, and failing. A year that ended with a broken heart and a broken spirit.
It wasn't all bad things, though. I fell in love again this year. And falling in love is always a beautiful thing, no matter the outcome. I started my degree and I figured out that i still have a lot to learn. I went overseas for the first time in years and fell in love with cities I never dreamt of being able to visit. I got to travel alone and experience things i never thought i'd experience. My best friend YY and I founded our own 'mamak therapy'. I made new friends and bonds with people i never thought i'd be able to bond with.
But here i am now, at the end of 2017, with a broken heart and a broken will. But that's okay. Shit happens.
To you, if you're reading this ( i doubt you are ) i hope you know that i really do understand why we had to end. I know it wasn't easy for you, and it sure as hell ain't easy for me, but i think that in the long run we'll figure out why this was the best, for both of us. Falling in love with you was such a privilege, and I will always love you, that will never change. I don't hate you, and I don't think you're a bad person. You're just a person who's trying to make his way through life, just like me. So whatever it is, I forgive you, and i hope you forgive me too, for the things that I did wrong. I genuinely hope you find someone that can make you forget and push aside all the complications life throws your way.
I think it'll be a while before i can say i love you to someone else the way i meant it with you.
Anyway, i think i've spent too long putting other people's happiness and needs before mine. and i think that i've given people the opportunity to break me way too often, and i'm done with that. 2018 is gonna be all about me, and my heart, and my happiness. This time I'm not gonna let anything distract me from my studies and I'm gonna put my heart and soul into it and stop procrastinating so that i can get the grades i need and want, graduate and get the fuck out of this place. For a long time, my end goal has always been to get out of here. My studies is the only way i can do that, and I've been neglecting that. I know what i have to do, and I'm GONNA DO IT, no matter what it takes. and if your presence isn't gonna contribute to me getting to where i want to be then I'm not gonna have time for you and allow you to influence my feelings and thoughts and distract me from my goal.
I've learnt a lot out of this year. I think the main one would be that love isn't enough. It should be, if we lived in a fairytale world, but the truth is that it isn't. The reality is that there are so many other things that factor in when it comes to a relationship. Situational circumstances, time, distance, and a lot of other things. I used to think that love was enough. Love was some sort of magical thing that could overcome all of that. I don't think that anymore. I don't even think I know what love is anymore, maybe I never did, and that's okay. I'm still young, and i have a lifetime ahead of me to figure it out. Another thing that I've learnt this year is that you get the results you work for. Whatever you receive is reflective of what you give. This doesn't apply to relationships unfortunately because that involves humans and humans are complicated, but it applies more to work. and your studies. If you half ass shit you will get half ass results. if you work hard you will get good results. You can't give it 50% and then get sad when you get 25% back. So in 2018 I'm all about giving my all to studies so i can get what i want back. I'm not gonna let anyone, not even me and my stupid thoughts stop me. Im sick of letting my depression consume me, I'm sick of letting it get in the way of good days, I'm sick of it feeding me with thoughts that eat me alive, I'm SICK and TIRED of hating myself when I'm actually fucking great. I definitely don't deserve to be treating myself this way, when i already let other people do this to me too. So, no, i deserve the best, because i am a fucking amazing person and its about fucking time i realise that.
This was a year of pain, and confusion and doubts, but ultimately, it was a year of growth. And I'm gonna keep growing, and taking in whatever life throws at me and learning from it.
So, 2018, go ahead, give me your best shot. Im gonna come out of it stronger and happier.
I hope everyone reading this has a great 2018 ahead of them! <3
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