2018
It feels like every step forward that I take, some unseen force comes out of nowhere and pushes me 5 steps backwards, even further back from where I started, knocking the wind out of my lungs in the process and leaving me battered and bruised on the ground.
It's nearing the end of 2018, and as per the past few years, I always do a recap of my year in the form of a blog post. Honestly, I don't know why I keep doing this but its sort of been a tradition for me. Plus, it's a good way to look back on the year and point out what I learnt, and what I can take out from all the mistakes and good things that have happened this year.
2018.
I don't know how to feel about this year. I feel like a lot of stuff have happened this year but somehow, here I am, roughly a year later from my last recap on this blog, and I feel like I haven't moved a single inch from where I was then. I really put in a lot of effort into doing things that would help me grow as a person, this year. Yet, I still feel like the same shitty person. Worse now, actually, sprinkled with a more severe bout of anger issues and trust issues, just a whole lot of issues, in general, really.
About a year ago, I was going through a break up. Having a lot of issues too, at home, in uni. I was a complete mess. I guess that hasn't changed, because here I am a year later having almost identical issues. I recently broke up with someone, having different issues at home and in uni but still the same shit. and it honestly makes me feel so disappointed in myself. After new year's at the start of this year, I remember being so adamant that I wanted to be better, that I wanted to learn how to be fine, alone. I was so focused on trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I was strong and that I didn't need that person that I broke up with then. For the first three months of this year, I'll admit, it was hard. It was hard being alone. And I was ALONE alone. As in, I was stuck at home, I couldn't go out to meet my friends because everyone was away on break. Still, I tried. I distracted myself, watched movies, made covers, (tried to) dance a little, I kept myself busy to keep my mind off of things. Somehow, I made it to March, when uni started and I could at least be with my friends. That helped, being with my friends always helped. And as I got busy with assignments I also got busy with my social life. I started to go out more and get to know more people. and I met some really wonderful souls. And I did some crazy shit. Shit that you thought only happened in movies. I'll forever be grateful for all of those moments, those odd, spontaneous moments. I'll always look back at them fondly.
As part of the whole moving-on-and-growing-as-a-person-process, I felt like I should date around too. And I did. Which is definitely something new. All I knew before this was just having someone say they like me and then instantly falling for that person and then deciding to commit to that person and then that doesn't go well. Anyway, when I say date around I mean I just went on dates, just to get to know different people. I didn't really have anything serious, until I met my ex. He and I were friends before anything else. We got along so well, and I was always so comfortable around him. Then I saw how well he got along with my friends which to me is really important, and I started falling for him. I started to see how we could be good together. I felt like I had this recipe for a great, healthy relationship. You know, like, all those online-relationship-advice-articles, they always say it's best if you're friends first with your lover because that means that you'd be comfortable around each other and that your relationship won't just be based off of butterflies and lust. (that's what they say anyway) So, I followed my gut, and we got together. It was good while it lasted. It was my first time being with someone I was completely comfortable around. and it was also my first time being in a relationship where I could see my SO almost every day. We spent a lot of time with each other. But along the way, things changed. I won't go into detail but let's just say that we just weren't good for each other. Which honestly breaks my heart. I wanted so much to be good for him. I wanted us to be good. We just weren't working well together, as a couple. Those stupid online-relationship-advice-articles don't tell you how much it fucking sucks, because when a relationship that is based on friendship goes sour, you don't just lose a boyfriend, you lose your best friend too. And then it sucks even more when you watch the person you loved slowly turn into this other person that you never saw coming.
So that's that on my love life this year, I guess. Ending the year with a break up yet again. Another relationship that I failed in. Really great for my self esteem.
Apart from that, I did achieve a few milestones this year. I emceed for a couple of days during the Architectural workshop hosted by my uni, I performed at a few gigs, one of it being the performance for PAM's award night. I got relatively satisfactory grades last semester.
but somehow, I just feel so unbelievably stuck. it's like I'm stuck in the middle of a carousel and I'm just watching everything spin by me. Every time I try to jump on the horse the speed of it just pushes me back and I end up right back to where I started. That's how I feel right now.
One thing I am proud of myself for now is the fact that I can stand up for myself. If I know what I want I won't let anyone convince me otherwise. Or if I strongly believe I'm right I can fend for myself and stand my ground. I'm also way less susceptible to what other people think of me anymore. I'm pretty sure there's a lot of things going round about me, especially right now, but honestly, why should I be bothered by people who either a) barely know me or b) only want to know one side of the story. As long as I believe in myself, and my friends believe in me too, then I really can't be arsed about what other people think or say about me. Im proud of myself for that. I used to be so much more fragile. I would be obsessed with what other people say about me and I'd be hurt by the tiniest things. Unless it's in league of legends and I'm playing PvP and someone says im shit then that haunts me for a while lmao. Anyway, I guess I am stronger now, even if its not by a large amount, still. I grew.
this was a weird year. but now that I think about it I guess im not as stuck as I think I am. Im having tiny little progress that is so easy to overlook sometimes. But one thing I really need to start doing is to let go of the past. its not easy but if I managed to let go of one of the people of the past then nothing is impossible right? if my eyes are focused on the past then I'll miss out on the little changes that im going through.
My new year's resolutions would usually be a long list of things I want to be or do by the end of next year, but you know what? I'm not gonna do that for 2019. My only resolution for next year is to have fun. Not like fuck around and not take anything seriously, by have fun I mean try my best to make everything I do enjoyable, to me. To find the good out of everything and turn it into something that can make me enjoy myself. To just learn how to take life one thing at a time and stop being so hooked on my past.
Here's to 2019. I hope everyone reading this has a blessed year full of growth ahead of you. <3
It's nearing the end of 2018, and as per the past few years, I always do a recap of my year in the form of a blog post. Honestly, I don't know why I keep doing this but its sort of been a tradition for me. Plus, it's a good way to look back on the year and point out what I learnt, and what I can take out from all the mistakes and good things that have happened this year.
2018.
I don't know how to feel about this year. I feel like a lot of stuff have happened this year but somehow, here I am, roughly a year later from my last recap on this blog, and I feel like I haven't moved a single inch from where I was then. I really put in a lot of effort into doing things that would help me grow as a person, this year. Yet, I still feel like the same shitty person. Worse now, actually, sprinkled with a more severe bout of anger issues and trust issues, just a whole lot of issues, in general, really.
About a year ago, I was going through a break up. Having a lot of issues too, at home, in uni. I was a complete mess. I guess that hasn't changed, because here I am a year later having almost identical issues. I recently broke up with someone, having different issues at home and in uni but still the same shit. and it honestly makes me feel so disappointed in myself. After new year's at the start of this year, I remember being so adamant that I wanted to be better, that I wanted to learn how to be fine, alone. I was so focused on trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I was strong and that I didn't need that person that I broke up with then. For the first three months of this year, I'll admit, it was hard. It was hard being alone. And I was ALONE alone. As in, I was stuck at home, I couldn't go out to meet my friends because everyone was away on break. Still, I tried. I distracted myself, watched movies, made covers, (tried to) dance a little, I kept myself busy to keep my mind off of things. Somehow, I made it to March, when uni started and I could at least be with my friends. That helped, being with my friends always helped. And as I got busy with assignments I also got busy with my social life. I started to go out more and get to know more people. and I met some really wonderful souls. And I did some crazy shit. Shit that you thought only happened in movies. I'll forever be grateful for all of those moments, those odd, spontaneous moments. I'll always look back at them fondly.
As part of the whole moving-on-and-growing-as-a-person-process, I felt like I should date around too. And I did. Which is definitely something new. All I knew before this was just having someone say they like me and then instantly falling for that person and then deciding to commit to that person and then that doesn't go well. Anyway, when I say date around I mean I just went on dates, just to get to know different people. I didn't really have anything serious, until I met my ex. He and I were friends before anything else. We got along so well, and I was always so comfortable around him. Then I saw how well he got along with my friends which to me is really important, and I started falling for him. I started to see how we could be good together. I felt like I had this recipe for a great, healthy relationship. You know, like, all those online-relationship-advice-articles, they always say it's best if you're friends first with your lover because that means that you'd be comfortable around each other and that your relationship won't just be based off of butterflies and lust. (that's what they say anyway) So, I followed my gut, and we got together. It was good while it lasted. It was my first time being with someone I was completely comfortable around. and it was also my first time being in a relationship where I could see my SO almost every day. We spent a lot of time with each other. But along the way, things changed. I won't go into detail but let's just say that we just weren't good for each other. Which honestly breaks my heart. I wanted so much to be good for him. I wanted us to be good. We just weren't working well together, as a couple. Those stupid online-relationship-advice-articles don't tell you how much it fucking sucks, because when a relationship that is based on friendship goes sour, you don't just lose a boyfriend, you lose your best friend too. And then it sucks even more when you watch the person you loved slowly turn into this other person that you never saw coming.
So that's that on my love life this year, I guess. Ending the year with a break up yet again. Another relationship that I failed in. Really great for my self esteem.
Apart from that, I did achieve a few milestones this year. I emceed for a couple of days during the Architectural workshop hosted by my uni, I performed at a few gigs, one of it being the performance for PAM's award night. I got relatively satisfactory grades last semester.
but somehow, I just feel so unbelievably stuck. it's like I'm stuck in the middle of a carousel and I'm just watching everything spin by me. Every time I try to jump on the horse the speed of it just pushes me back and I end up right back to where I started. That's how I feel right now.
One thing I am proud of myself for now is the fact that I can stand up for myself. If I know what I want I won't let anyone convince me otherwise. Or if I strongly believe I'm right I can fend for myself and stand my ground. I'm also way less susceptible to what other people think of me anymore. I'm pretty sure there's a lot of things going round about me, especially right now, but honestly, why should I be bothered by people who either a) barely know me or b) only want to know one side of the story. As long as I believe in myself, and my friends believe in me too, then I really can't be arsed about what other people think or say about me. Im proud of myself for that. I used to be so much more fragile. I would be obsessed with what other people say about me and I'd be hurt by the tiniest things. Unless it's in league of legends and I'm playing PvP and someone says im shit then that haunts me for a while lmao. Anyway, I guess I am stronger now, even if its not by a large amount, still. I grew.
this was a weird year. but now that I think about it I guess im not as stuck as I think I am. Im having tiny little progress that is so easy to overlook sometimes. But one thing I really need to start doing is to let go of the past. its not easy but if I managed to let go of one of the people of the past then nothing is impossible right? if my eyes are focused on the past then I'll miss out on the little changes that im going through.
My new year's resolutions would usually be a long list of things I want to be or do by the end of next year, but you know what? I'm not gonna do that for 2019. My only resolution for next year is to have fun. Not like fuck around and not take anything seriously, by have fun I mean try my best to make everything I do enjoyable, to me. To find the good out of everything and turn it into something that can make me enjoy myself. To just learn how to take life one thing at a time and stop being so hooked on my past.
Here's to 2019. I hope everyone reading this has a blessed year full of growth ahead of you. <3
Comments
Post a Comment