paro

Another year, another recap. The real o.g.'s know how it goes. 2019 Honestly felt like the longest year of my life. So much has happened in the past year and yet, it all feels so faraway and distant. Probably due to the fact that i've felt incredibly disconnected this year. Like I was watching everything happen from somewhere outside of my body. Anyway, putting that aside, this year, I got my first real job! I went on a holiday with my friends (with my own money!)! I got to perform at gigs! I had my first proper emceeing job! I finished a duathlon! And best of all, i got to fall in love all over again!! I've said it before and i'll say it again, falling in love is such a beautiful thing. And the fact that I got to fall in love with someone who takes care of me and makes me feel loved, and pays attention to the little things about me, it makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Out of all the things that have happened to me this year, Ihmran Chin fallin

I always say that there is no one in the world who can hate me as much as I hate myself. I've been saying that for as long as I remember but I still stand by it. I've been thinking about this a lot, because I've only just come to realise how hard I am on myself. Truly. I am my own worst critic. I don't like asking for help because I feel like I'm burdening people. I think really lowly of myself. Every single thing that goes wrong in my life I find a way to blame myself for it. I'm aware of how bad it is to be that harsh on yourself. I know it's important to love yourself, self-love is a crucial part of learning how to survive in this world. But for me, personally, breaking out of it is hard. Me blaming myself for everything, me keeping things to myself for fear of burdening people, I can trace these thoughts to as far back as when I was around 8 or 9 years old. Back then I blamed myself for literally being born. I would think, "If I hadn't been bo

There's only 3 things keeping me from offing myself. 1) The fear of being stuck in hell. 2) My loved ones. 3) The pestering voice in my head that tells me that I can make it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm turning 21 soon. Inevitably, that fact invites a lot of self-reflection. And I gotta be honest, I'm not really liking where I'm at. Is it because I'm nowhere near where I thought I would or should be by this age? Yes. Another contributing factor being the persistent thoughts like "I'm never gonna make it anywhere" or "I'm not gonna have a future" constantly bugging me. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? And if so, does that mean I'm gonna die at 41? Because that just sounds like good news to me. The shorter lifespan I have on this planet, the better. Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I ask myself is, "how am I

You know how in the books and in the movies, the way they describe love is always along the lines of it being something that'll make you lose your breath, making it harder to breathe, your hands get all sweaty and your heart rate quickens. That's the version of love that we've all grown up with, fed into our brains by media that we consumed. But what if love is meeting someone who makes it a little easier for you to breathe? When they're around, the weight constricting your chest feels a little lighter. When you see them it's like a breath of fresh air. They're your sigh of relief because you've been holding your breath (figuratively) all this time. Love should be easy. It should feel like something that makes you more weightless than pulled down. But hell, who am i to know what love is anymore.