2019
Another year, another recap. The real o.g.'s know how it goes.
2019
Honestly felt like the longest year of my life. So much has happened in the past year and yet, it all feels so faraway and distant. Probably due to the fact that i've felt incredibly disconnected this year. Like I was watching everything happen from somewhere outside of my body.
Anyway, putting that aside, this year, I got my first real job! I went on a holiday with my friends (with my own money!)! I got to perform at gigs! I had my first proper emceeing job! I finished a duathlon! And best of all, i got to fall in love all over again!! I've said it before and i'll say it again, falling in love is such a beautiful thing. And the fact that I got to fall in love with someone who takes care of me and makes me feel loved, and pays attention to the little things about me, it makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Out of all the things that have happened to me this year, Ihmran Chin falling from the sky and dropping into my life is the best one by a long shot. Being in love with him is like finding my home. It's like finding my safe place, and knowing that no matter what happens i have someone who would never give up on me. There really aren't enough words in the English Language to capture just how blessed i feel to have him in my life. He's been my rock, my anchor, my confidante, he's always been exactly what I need to get me through all the shit that has happened this year.
Because there has been a LOT of shit.
Let's just say that loneliness and failure have not exactly been strangers to me the past year. I've had to spend a lot of time away from a lot of people, and more time with myself. And that's never been a good thing for me. I tend to overthink when I'm alone too much, and as a result of that, I distance myself and start believing whatever my head tells me. A lot of my life has revolved around my friends, being around them. Im used to telling them everything, from the tiniest inconveniences to the darkest things from the deepest pit of my heart. But whenever Im away, and I overthink, I start believing that my friends are better off without me, or that no one really cares about what i have to say, or what im going through. So I close off, i stop looking for them, and I just keep everything to myself. I know for a fact that it's completely unhealthy of me to do so, but it's always hard to not succumb to doing that when I'm alone for too long. And i know, I know, that my friends care. They want to know. They just want me to be okay and happy. It's not their fault at all. It's a me thing, that I need to learn how to control. But at the same time, it made me realise how much I depend on my friends. I know they don't mind, but i think i really needed this alone time, to learn how to cope and function on my own. Because in reality, they can't always be there. At some point, we're all going to go our separate ways and I need to learn how to be okay with that.
I also had to learn how to deal with failure. Not that that's exactly a foreign concept to me (lol) but it hit especially hard this year because it made me feel like giving up for real. Like, rock bottom, I-cant-possibly-go-on-from-this and i-dont-want-to-do-this-anymore kind of giving up. But life sucks, and its not always going to give you what you want. Sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do. I think what's important is that you give it everything you can at the moment, and though sometimes it feels like everything you can give is still not enough because what you get in return isn't satisfactory, it's okay. Everything happens for a reason. I really believe that. It may be hard to see, but all we can do is keep moving forward, and eventually, everything will fall into place. What you give, you may not get back immediately, but eventually, you will. In time. Something I've learnt from this as well is that all we can afford to do sometimes, is to just be, and that's more than enough, because we're all human, and being human is fucking hard.
Like every year, it has been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, but as i'm writing this, my heart feels....calm. Because, I remember. I remember everything that has happened, not just the past year, but the past 3 years since my life changed indefinitely. Since I changed. I remember every trauma, every mistreatment, every unsalvageable relationship, but I also remember all the times I've been shown kindness, every time someone pulled me out of the dark, every time someone saved me. I remember everything. The extremely good and the extremely bad. And all I can say is that I am grateful. For everything that has happened, everyone who came into my life and left or stayed. Every single thing has taught me something valuable that shaped me into who I am today. And though i am most definitely nowhere near perfect, I am proud of who I am right now. I've gotten over things I thought i'd never get over, I've survived things I never thought I would've survived, and even though I have been shown time and time again how horrible some people can be, I still have light enough in me to believe in other people's goodness and to always try my best to be kind.
I'm blessed in so many ways, and that's the main thing I will take out of 2019.
Here's to 2020, a new decade, to growing and learning and being on the path to constantly better myself, InsyaAllah.
I hope everyone reading this has a great 2020 ahead of them!
xx
2019
Honestly felt like the longest year of my life. So much has happened in the past year and yet, it all feels so faraway and distant. Probably due to the fact that i've felt incredibly disconnected this year. Like I was watching everything happen from somewhere outside of my body.
Anyway, putting that aside, this year, I got my first real job! I went on a holiday with my friends (with my own money!)! I got to perform at gigs! I had my first proper emceeing job! I finished a duathlon! And best of all, i got to fall in love all over again!! I've said it before and i'll say it again, falling in love is such a beautiful thing. And the fact that I got to fall in love with someone who takes care of me and makes me feel loved, and pays attention to the little things about me, it makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Out of all the things that have happened to me this year, Ihmran Chin falling from the sky and dropping into my life is the best one by a long shot. Being in love with him is like finding my home. It's like finding my safe place, and knowing that no matter what happens i have someone who would never give up on me. There really aren't enough words in the English Language to capture just how blessed i feel to have him in my life. He's been my rock, my anchor, my confidante, he's always been exactly what I need to get me through all the shit that has happened this year.
Because there has been a LOT of shit.
Let's just say that loneliness and failure have not exactly been strangers to me the past year. I've had to spend a lot of time away from a lot of people, and more time with myself. And that's never been a good thing for me. I tend to overthink when I'm alone too much, and as a result of that, I distance myself and start believing whatever my head tells me. A lot of my life has revolved around my friends, being around them. Im used to telling them everything, from the tiniest inconveniences to the darkest things from the deepest pit of my heart. But whenever Im away, and I overthink, I start believing that my friends are better off without me, or that no one really cares about what i have to say, or what im going through. So I close off, i stop looking for them, and I just keep everything to myself. I know for a fact that it's completely unhealthy of me to do so, but it's always hard to not succumb to doing that when I'm alone for too long. And i know, I know, that my friends care. They want to know. They just want me to be okay and happy. It's not their fault at all. It's a me thing, that I need to learn how to control. But at the same time, it made me realise how much I depend on my friends. I know they don't mind, but i think i really needed this alone time, to learn how to cope and function on my own. Because in reality, they can't always be there. At some point, we're all going to go our separate ways and I need to learn how to be okay with that.
I also had to learn how to deal with failure. Not that that's exactly a foreign concept to me (lol) but it hit especially hard this year because it made me feel like giving up for real. Like, rock bottom, I-cant-possibly-go-on-from-this and i-dont-want-to-do-this-anymore kind of giving up. But life sucks, and its not always going to give you what you want. Sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do. I think what's important is that you give it everything you can at the moment, and though sometimes it feels like everything you can give is still not enough because what you get in return isn't satisfactory, it's okay. Everything happens for a reason. I really believe that. It may be hard to see, but all we can do is keep moving forward, and eventually, everything will fall into place. What you give, you may not get back immediately, but eventually, you will. In time. Something I've learnt from this as well is that all we can afford to do sometimes, is to just be, and that's more than enough, because we're all human, and being human is fucking hard.
Like every year, it has been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, but as i'm writing this, my heart feels....calm. Because, I remember. I remember everything that has happened, not just the past year, but the past 3 years since my life changed indefinitely. Since I changed. I remember every trauma, every mistreatment, every unsalvageable relationship, but I also remember all the times I've been shown kindness, every time someone pulled me out of the dark, every time someone saved me. I remember everything. The extremely good and the extremely bad. And all I can say is that I am grateful. For everything that has happened, everyone who came into my life and left or stayed. Every single thing has taught me something valuable that shaped me into who I am today. And though i am most definitely nowhere near perfect, I am proud of who I am right now. I've gotten over things I thought i'd never get over, I've survived things I never thought I would've survived, and even though I have been shown time and time again how horrible some people can be, I still have light enough in me to believe in other people's goodness and to always try my best to be kind.
I'm blessed in so many ways, and that's the main thing I will take out of 2019.
Here's to 2020, a new decade, to growing and learning and being on the path to constantly better myself, InsyaAllah.
I hope everyone reading this has a great 2020 ahead of them!
xx
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