- what is there to look forward to?

"Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt."

That is a quote from the movie "Her" that has haunted me ever since I heard it, because it happens to be one of my biggest fears. I'm scared that it's true, because I do feel like that a lot of the time. I feel like I've felt everything I needed to feel, learnt everything I needed to learn, and now, from here on out, it's just going to be the same things, repetitions of what I've already experienced before. Which means that everything good, every great thing I've felt, great love, great friendship - I'll never feel again. Those "greats" were the height of it all in my life and it's just going to keep being lesser versions of those "greats" for the rest of my life. 

My fear about this feeling and thought process is that it will lead me to the inevitable conclusion that there's nothing more to look forward to in life. That's ridiculous right? I'm young, I've a lot more to do in life, and I know that, but somehow it all dims in comparison to what I've been through. And yet, even though I know this, scarily enough, the quote is starting to feel more and more like a fact to me. 

Maybe I just need to get out of the house? Meet people? Have fun? Then I'll feel better? I don't know. Really, overall I don't know if I even have the capacity to feel "better" anymore. I'm constantly aware that every moment of happiness is so damn fleeting, and temporary, and instead of being grateful and trying to live in the moment, I stress myself out trying to make myself FEEL like I'm enjoying the moment and not thinking about the fleeting nature of it all. 

I think the worst part of it all is how awfully disconnected I feel - from myself. I don't enjoy the same things I used to and I know there's no harm in finding new interests and hobbies, but somehow I find it sad (?) somehow. I used to write all the time! I used to read a lot! Used to sing and make covers all the time.... These things used to define me, you know? They defined who I was, in a way, to myself mostly, and now I have less of an affinity for these things and it's just... sad. For some reason. The things that I do for fun now don't really feel like me. I mean, they're fun nonetheless, but they just don't feel like me. 

But then again, what can you expect from being in lockdown for almost a year+, right? 

I don't know most of what I'm saying really lol. I just wanted to get some things off of my chest. 

I hope y'all have been doing better than me!