paro

**** trigger warning: mentions of suicide **** Sunday, 21st August, 2.30 a.m. I had finally decided that I wanted to die. There wasn't a single doubt left, not a crumb of desire to live, not a single thought that could change my mind.  I'd found myself here a lot of times in the past ten years, but there would always be something stopping me from actually doing it, mainly that I didn't want to hurt the people who loved me. But this time, even that wasn't enough. I simply didn't care anymore. All I knew was that I was so god damn tired, and I wanted to die, I had to die.  I poured the pills into my hands, staring at them for a few seconds. I looked up and figured I had nothing to lose, so I spoke to the void and asked for a sign.  "If I'm not meant to do this, show me a sign. Anything." Nothing.  And i'd have expected nothing less from exactly that; a void. I put them all in my mouth. The last time I was here, I had spit them back out. But not this

*click* I watched his subtle grin as the whirring sounds of the polaroid camera printing out the picture he just took blended with the chirping in the air of the park we were at. He sets the film and camera aside and lies down next to me on the grass, both of us staring at the clear blue sky. "What do you think you got out of this?" I turn my head to look at him. "This?" I echoed. "Yeah." He turns over too, resting his face on the palm of his hand, his eyes studying my face.  "This. Us. You know how everyone is a lesson or something like that," he said and paused for a bit before continuing,  "What do you think our time together has taught you?" ********* I'd say it taught me to be grateful. Like, genuinely grateful.  No matter what, i'll always be grateful for you, for meeting you, for getting to love you. I always am, for everyone I fall for, but somehow, especially you. You came at a time where I really had it stuck in my hea

Throughout my almost 24 years of living, there have been several constants in majority of my life. One is a principal I've held on to since I was 16, "my friends are my everything" I'm lucky enough to say that the friends that are my everything have mostly stayed since, sure some have come and go, but that's beside the point. Whoever my friends are, my close friends, they are my everything. Like, I would drop everything and go to them at the first sign of them needing me. Like, I'd fly across the globe to see them. Like, if they ever murdered somebody, I'd be the one dragging the corpse across the living room floor and helping them hide it. It's a constant that has been swayed a few times over the years, never because of what my friends do, but because of the things I do that betray that principle. That shit eats me up inside.  But yeah, that's one constant. The second, is depression. I've been depressed since I was 15. I'm 24 this year. Ev

Dear you, We met on April 2nd, 2019, close to three years ago. I know we said we would take our time, take things slow, but looking back, it all went so fast. We went from being complete strangers to seeing each other everyday and spending every spare time we had with each other. We became a couple within four months of knowing each other.  But I don't regret it, truly. That love that I had for you, it was meant to be that way. Finding you, meeting you, I knew that that kind of love was meant for me and you.  You were such a big part of my life. The biggest part of my life apart from my family. My go to person for everything, all my rants, my stupid little bits about what funny or silly thing happened in my day. And through it all whenever I had the chance to go out I would always choose to spend it with you because I honestly would rather see you. Loving you was easy. It almost came like second nature to me. You were the kindest, most understanding, most patient person I'd eve