paro

Hello! Well, it's the day before New Year's Eve. And soon enough, it'll be 2015. Just like that, I'll be in my last year of school, the year of my IGCSE's, the year I'll be turning 17, the year I have to start deciding what I want to do in the future…It scares me, it really does. Knowing that I still have the mentality of a 12 year old and I'm expected to make life choices, good ones, that'll shape my whole future? It makes me wanna pee my pants a bit. Okay, not to that extent. But you know what I mean. Since 2014 is ending, I thought it'd be fitting of me to do a recap of my year, like I seem to do every year. So, here goes nothing: 2014 This was the year I moved schools from Sri Aman to TISKL. At first, I thought that moving to TISKL was a mistake. I didn't want to leave my friends in Sri Aman. They meant everything to me. and for the first few weeks in TISKL, those were the kind of thoughts that I allowed to plague my mind. Looking back now, I

I know what they think. I know they look at me and think I am this happy go lucky girl who never gets sad, who cheers everyone up by cracking a stupid joke or two. I know that they think, I have a perfect life. Perfect little family, perfect boyfriend (this is the only part i agree with) and the perfect friends. "She can never be sad," they think, "because she has so many friends and so many people who love her and are there for her. If I had her life and 'personality', i would be so happy." I know that they think, "What's the big deal? She just has to stop over thinking and start thinking positive instead! One positive thought goes a long way!! It's simple enough!!!" It's just all wrong. Maybe not to you, and I appreciate you thinking of me as that sort of girl, but to myself, I am everything but that. I'm a fake. I fake being happy. I fake the laughter. I fake the smiles. You can look at my smile and think that i'm happy

Hi. I'm 16! It's been 5 days since my birthday and school reopening. Things were going pretty great. The holidays were amazing, probably one of the best 2 and a half weeks of my life all thanks to a certain amazing guy huhu. and school has been pretty good too, so far. Life was well, pleasant. and I was happy. Anyway, there's something that's been bothering me and it's been something that i can't get out of my head and naturally i've chosen to blog about it because blogging about it actually does help me somewhat. Back when I was in a deep pit of self-absorbed hatred and anger and muddled feelings for myself, I never could think straight. This was my mindset; that I was alone, that nobody cared, that i wasn't good enough, that everyone hated me, that everyone would leave and that despite everything, things will never get better. And every night that i spent crying myself to sleep, i believed was my last one, because i thought that i was so horribl

--- When i was 12, i was really, really confident. So confident that many say that i was on the verge of being a bitch, but to me, to that 12 year old version of myself, i was good enough. I believed that i was smart enough, that i was talented, and beauty, or the way i looked, never really bothered me much. I was content. Even my bushy hair was something i was proud of back then. I believed that i was worth something. And then i turned 13, and suddenly i was thrown into this huge school of gorgeous, smart girls who were pretty much perfect in every aspect. I didn't realize it back then, but it took a toll on my self confidence. Especially when I started going downhill, academically. But i just took it in stride, I brushed it off and continued bouncing around and being myself as my confidence level decreased as the year went by. Form 1 was good, but it was the start to my fall. Form 2, I was 14. stuff happened. and woosh, before I knew it, i lost all sense of any sort of self

Well, that was it. The last of my schooling days at SMK (P) Sri Aman. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Oh wait, actually, I feel like screaming and breaking things and not leaving the school, but if i acknowledge the fact that I feel that way, I will only make myself sadder than I already am. I haven't cried at all yet today, but I have a feeling that my tears will start flowing once I'm done with this post. Not a lot of good things have happened in my life. But I can proudly and positively say that going to and being in Sri Aman was one of the very best things that could ever happen to me. Sri Aman was where I could feel at home at a place that wasn't my house or anything. At Sri Aman, i felt like for once in my life, i belonged. I have made so many great friends, and so many great memories. and met some great teachers who have parted so much knowledge to me, and i can't express just how much i appreciate every single one of the teachers who have taught

Hello everyone! Ah, well, it's been 21 days into 2014 and honestly, i was pretty much enjoying it up until today. I mean, school's been great. despite the amount of add math homework i have almost everyday, i can honestly say i've been enjoying school very much.  I got elected as vice treasurer for my sports house ((which is the awesome rumah biru btw)), i got my friend back haha, and I'm happy with the class and stream that i'm in, i'm happy with the club that i joined this year (choir) and everything about school has been making me happy (except for homework). And i guess, idk, i was feeling better. stronger, even. I was kind of trying to train myself to think positive and fight back and basically get better. and i think i was, for a while. all up until today. the whole day today was so crap. Literally the stuff i found out and the stuff that happened today just completely spoiled the happy mood i'd been in for the longest time ive been in well...a long