paro

Another year, another recap. The real o.g.'s know how it goes. 2019 Honestly felt like the longest year of my life. So much has happened in the past year and yet, it all feels so faraway and distant. Probably due to the fact that i've felt incredibly disconnected this year. Like I was watching everything happen from somewhere outside of my body. Anyway, putting that aside, this year, I got my first real job! I went on a holiday with my friends (with my own money!)! I got to perform at gigs! I had my first proper emceeing job! I finished a duathlon! And best of all, i got to fall in love all over again!! I've said it before and i'll say it again, falling in love is such a beautiful thing. And the fact that I got to fall in love with someone who takes care of me and makes me feel loved, and pays attention to the little things about me, it makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Out of all the things that have happened to me this year, Ihmran Chin fallin...

I always say that there is no one in the world who can hate me as much as I hate myself. I've been saying that for as long as I remember but I still stand by it. I've been thinking about this a lot, because I've only just come to realise how hard I am on myself. Truly. I am my own worst critic. I don't like asking for help because I feel like I'm burdening people. I think really lowly of myself. Every single thing that goes wrong in my life I find a way to blame myself for it. I'm aware of how bad it is to be that harsh on yourself. I know it's important to love yourself, self-love is a crucial part of learning how to survive in this world. But for me, personally, breaking out of it is hard. Me blaming myself for everything, me keeping things to myself for fear of burdening people, I can trace these thoughts to as far back as when I was around 8 or 9 years old. Back then I blamed myself for literally being born. I would think, "If I hadn't been bo...

You know how in the books and in the movies, the way they describe love is always along the lines of it being something that'll make you lose your breath, making it harder to breathe, your hands get all sweaty and your heart rate quickens. That's the version of love that we've all grown up with, fed into our brains by media that we consumed. But what if love is meeting someone who makes it a little easier for you to breathe? When they're around, the weight constricting your chest feels a little lighter. When you see them it's like a breath of fresh air. They're your sigh of relief because you've been holding your breath (figuratively) all this time. Love should be easy. It should feel like something that makes you more weightless than pulled down. But hell, who am i to know what love is anymore. 

It feels like every step forward that I take, some unseen force comes out of nowhere and pushes me 5 steps backwards, even further back from where I started, knocking the wind out of my lungs in the process and leaving me battered and bruised on the ground.  It's nearing the end of 2018,  and as per the past few years, I always do a recap of my year in the form of a blog post. Honestly, I don't know why I keep doing this but its sort of been a tradition for me. Plus, it's a good way to look back on the year and point out what I learnt, and what I can take out from all the mistakes and good things that have happened this year. 2018. I don't know how to feel about this year. I feel like a lot of stuff have happened this year but somehow, here I am, roughly a year later from my last recap on this blog, and I feel like I haven't moved a single inch from where I was then. I really put in a lot of effort into doing things that would help me grow as a person, this ye...

do you believe in soulmates? I do. I believe I've met my soulmate. Prior to meeting him, I had this fantasy of what loving your soulmate was like. He was the one who was made for you, you fit together in every way, you'll meet them, sparks will fly and everything will start to make sense. And the rest of your life falls into place because you finally found "the one" Now that i've actually met my soulmate, i know that it's not like that at all. You see, i've come to discover that your soulmate isnt necessarily the one you spend the rest of your life with. And it certainly doesnt mean that he/she is the right one for you. Let me tell you a story. I met a boy. I was shy, although not many people would agree, i had trouble socialising with people right off the bat. It was hard for me to find people i could easily connect with. Easy to talk to, sure. But connecting with someone... that usually takes me a while. But not with this boy. I met up with him...

Maybe you're right. Maybe, i never really loved you. How could i have? I never really knew you. the real you. I spent nine months in a relationship with you, knew you for a year, and yet to this day, i still can't say that i knew you. Not really. Not to your core. So how could i have loved someone i barely knew despite the amount of time we spent together? Maybe, i loved the mystery that you were. I fell in love with the thought that you were this endless maze of complexity. I fell in love with the thought that by loving you, i would know you. I've always loved mysteries and the thought of falling in love with one got me excited. Or maybe, I loved how good we looked together. How, on paper, in pictures, and the thought of us together just looked so right. An aspiring engineer and an aspiring architect. Two people seemingly hopelessly in love despite being in a long distance relationship. The way we met. Our first kiss. "Us" was something that would'v...

Moving on is hard. It has always been and always will be one of the most difficult things in life for me. Not just moving on from a break up, or from someone you love, but from failures, and traumas that haunt you for the rest of your life. In the past month i've had to move on from quite a lot of things. Someone i loved and someone else i thought i loved and how much the way he treated me had scarred me without me even realizing it until i got slapped in the face with the bare, naked truth. I've had to move on from failure, and from other people's mistakes. But in this post i'm just going to zoom in on the art of moving on from someone you love(d) I've been through two break ups in my brief 19 years of living. And another break up that wasnt really a break up but sure as hell felt like one. All of them hurt like a motherfucker. You'd think it would get easier with each one, but in reality, each one felt worst than the last. All of them felt like somethi...