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It's that time of the year again, where I attempt to recap my year and things i've learnt and condense them into the form of one blog post. So here goes. 2017. What a fucking year. A year of mostly downs, i admit. Honestly, it was a terrible year. I lost a lot of people this year, and i think along the way, i even lost myself. A lot of things happened that have changed me in a way that i can never go back to who i was. It was mostly a year of trying, and failing. A year that ended with a broken heart and a broken spirit. It wasn't all bad things, though. I fell in love again this year. And falling in love is always a beautiful thing, no matter the outcome. I started my degree and I figured out that i still have a lot to learn. I went overseas for the first time in years and fell in love with cities I never dreamt of being able to visit. I got to travel alone and experience things i never thought i'd experience. My best friend YY and I founded our own 'mamak ...

2.58 A.M. When i broke off from my first long term relationship, a thought that crossed my mind a lot was, "what if i never find someone who can love me like he did?" I used to think that was a bad thing, the most horrible thing, actually. To never come across someone who could stand me and tolerate me and love me the way he did. At the time, I was convinced that no one else would be able to do that other than him. But now I've come to realize, that its not a bad thing. Not at all. The thing is, we never find the same love twice. And that's completely okay. Every single time you fall in love, its different. A different experience. I've fallen in love three times. The first time, I fell fast. I dove right into it, recklessly. But what we had was comforting, because at the time we were in high school together and my naive, 16 year old self led me to believe that we would make it through anything. But things changed, we both changed and life drifted us apart from...

The end, the beginning. It's June 2017, and my year of FNBE at Taylor's Lakeside has finally drawn to a close. It felt never-ending in the midst of it all, but here I am, at the end. I made it, not unscathed unfortunately, but I made it and that's an achievement in itself. I feel like I should feel accomplished and proud of myself, but in reality I just feel drained, empty, confused, and so unbelievably tired. Exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I learnt so much this past year, and I've had my fair share of ups and downs, gains and losses. I've definitely improved, although not to the level I want to be at. But I feel like I've gotten worse too, in some aspects. I've improved in the sense that I've now come to realize for once in my life that maybe I am good at something. Through fnbe, I've been able to explore my creativity and be honestly impressed by the fact that I have any good ideas at all My ideas may be seen as weird but i'd like to th...

Dear me, Hi. How are you? I hope its not one of those days where you're feeling so down and alone. I hope you're feeling happy. Because God, do you deserve that. I know that things are rough and you probably feel like you'll never be enough. But trust me. You are more than enough. Dont put yourself down because of every little thing. And especially dont put yourself down over things that arent in your control. You need to see how life is incredibly unfair, and it will throw things at you that you never see coming. But at the same time you need to see how good things are. The little things that surround you. Those are important. The thing is, we always seem to be waiting and waiting for that one big moment, that one big thing that will change everything. You think that, that will make your sadness go away, that will fill you up with so much happiness you forget why you were ever sad. But let me tell you a secret; it's not going to happen. At least, not that one big ...

2016. The year of realising things - Kylie Jenner. Everyone thought that that was such a bimbo statement but man, it couldn't have been more accurate. I learnt so much this year. Over the span of 12 months, I've managed to get my heart broken 2 weeks before my birthday. And then, I fell in love again, only to have it end with another hole in my heart. I started off the year, in a relationship, thinking that I was going to stay with that boy forever. I was so sure I was going to end up marrying him. Six months later, after weeks of feeling so unhappy with myself and just everything in general, I ended things with him. I could feel myself dragging him down with me, down a path I would never wish unto anyone, so I let him go because I knew that, God, that lovely boy deserved so much better than someone so broken, so selfish. The few weeks that followed were no doubt, terrible. I was lonely, and the worst part was that I was left alone with myself. I was forced to handle my own...

Hey you. How have you been? Its only been a few weeks but it feels like a lifetime has passed since you and me came to an end. Since then, its been a rollercoaster of emotions. At first, i hated you. I hated you with all my guts. I despised you for not fighting for me. I abhorred the fact that i didnt understand how you suddenly stopped loving me. You never said it out loud, but it was on the table. I couldn't comprehend why else you wouldnt stay. People only leave when they don't love you anymore. So i guess that might have been the reason you left without too much of a struggle. And then after the anger came the inexplicable sadness. Although i was the one who asked for the break up, it felt like i was the one being dumped. It seemed like it too. I was the only one who seemed to feel sad. I was the one consumed by it. All I could think about was just "where did i go wrong?" "Why doesnt he want me anymore?" "How do i fix this?" I couldnt stop thin...

Hello! Well, it's the day before New Year's Eve. And soon enough, it'll be 2015. Just like that, I'll be in my last year of school, the year of my IGCSE's, the year I'll be turning 17, the year I have to start deciding what I want to do in the future…It scares me, it really does. Knowing that I still have the mentality of a 12 year old and I'm expected to make life choices, good ones, that'll shape my whole future? It makes me wanna pee my pants a bit. Okay, not to that extent. But you know what I mean. Since 2014 is ending, I thought it'd be fitting of me to do a recap of my year, like I seem to do every year. So, here goes nothing: 2014 This was the year I moved schools from Sri Aman to TISKL. At first, I thought that moving to TISKL was a mistake. I didn't want to leave my friends in Sri Aman. They meant everything to me. and for the first few weeks in TISKL, those were the kind of thoughts that I allowed to plague my mind. Looking back now, I...