paro

It feels like every step forward that I take, some unseen force comes out of nowhere and pushes me 5 steps backwards, even further back from where I started, knocking the wind out of my lungs in the process and leaving me battered and bruised on the ground.  It's nearing the end of 2018,  and as per the past few years, I always do a recap of my year in the form of a blog post. Honestly, I don't know why I keep doing this but its sort of been a tradition for me. Plus, it's a good way to look back on the year and point out what I learnt, and what I can take out from all the mistakes and good things that have happened this year. 2018. I don't know how to feel about this year. I feel like a lot of stuff have happened this year but somehow, here I am, roughly a year later from my last recap on this blog, and I feel like I haven't moved a single inch from where I was then. I really put in a lot of effort into doing things that would help me grow as a person, this ye...

do you believe in soulmates? I do. I believe I've met my soulmate. Prior to meeting him, I had this fantasy of what loving your soulmate was like. He was the one who was made for you, you fit together in every way, you'll meet them, sparks will fly and everything will start to make sense. And the rest of your life falls into place because you finally found "the one" Now that i've actually met my soulmate, i know that it's not like that at all. You see, i've come to discover that your soulmate isnt necessarily the one you spend the rest of your life with. And it certainly doesnt mean that he/she is the right one for you. Let me tell you a story. I met a boy. I was shy, although not many people would agree, i had trouble socialising with people right off the bat. It was hard for me to find people i could easily connect with. Easy to talk to, sure. But connecting with someone... that usually takes me a while. But not with this boy. I met up with him...

Maybe you're right. Maybe, i never really loved you. How could i have? I never really knew you. the real you. I spent nine months in a relationship with you, knew you for a year, and yet to this day, i still can't say that i knew you. Not really. Not to your core. So how could i have loved someone i barely knew despite the amount of time we spent together? Maybe, i loved the mystery that you were. I fell in love with the thought that you were this endless maze of complexity. I fell in love with the thought that by loving you, i would know you. I've always loved mysteries and the thought of falling in love with one got me excited. Or maybe, I loved how good we looked together. How, on paper, in pictures, and the thought of us together just looked so right. An aspiring engineer and an aspiring architect. Two people seemingly hopelessly in love despite being in a long distance relationship. The way we met. Our first kiss. "Us" was something that would'v...

Moving on is hard. It has always been and always will be one of the most difficult things in life for me. Not just moving on from a break up, or from someone you love, but from failures, and traumas that haunt you for the rest of your life. In the past month i've had to move on from quite a lot of things. Someone i loved and someone else i thought i loved and how much the way he treated me had scarred me without me even realizing it until i got slapped in the face with the bare, naked truth. I've had to move on from failure, and from other people's mistakes. But in this post i'm just going to zoom in on the art of moving on from someone you love(d) I've been through two break ups in my brief 19 years of living. And another break up that wasnt really a break up but sure as hell felt like one. All of them hurt like a motherfucker. You'd think it would get easier with each one, but in reality, each one felt worst than the last. All of them felt like somethi...

It's that time of the year again, where I attempt to recap my year and things i've learnt and condense them into the form of one blog post. So here goes. 2017. What a fucking year. A year of mostly downs, i admit. Honestly, it was a terrible year. I lost a lot of people this year, and i think along the way, i even lost myself. A lot of things happened that have changed me in a way that i can never go back to who i was. It was mostly a year of trying, and failing. A year that ended with a broken heart and a broken spirit. It wasn't all bad things, though. I fell in love again this year. And falling in love is always a beautiful thing, no matter the outcome. I started my degree and I figured out that i still have a lot to learn. I went overseas for the first time in years and fell in love with cities I never dreamt of being able to visit. I got to travel alone and experience things i never thought i'd experience. My best friend YY and I founded our own 'mamak ...

2.58 A.M. When i broke off from my first long term relationship, a thought that crossed my mind a lot was, "what if i never find someone who can love me like he did?" I used to think that was a bad thing, the most horrible thing, actually. To never come across someone who could stand me and tolerate me and love me the way he did. At the time, I was convinced that no one else would be able to do that other than him. But now I've come to realize, that its not a bad thing. Not at all. The thing is, we never find the same love twice. And that's completely okay. Every single time you fall in love, its different. A different experience. I've fallen in love three times. The first time, I fell fast. I dove right into it, recklessly. But what we had was comforting, because at the time we were in high school together and my naive, 16 year old self led me to believe that we would make it through anything. But things changed, we both changed and life drifted us apart from...

The end, the beginning. It's June 2017, and my year of FNBE at Taylor's Lakeside has finally drawn to a close. It felt never-ending in the midst of it all, but here I am, at the end. I made it, not unscathed unfortunately, but I made it and that's an achievement in itself. I feel like I should feel accomplished and proud of myself, but in reality I just feel drained, empty, confused, and so unbelievably tired. Exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I learnt so much this past year, and I've had my fair share of ups and downs, gains and losses. I've definitely improved, although not to the level I want to be at. But I feel like I've gotten worse too, in some aspects. I've improved in the sense that I've now come to realize for once in my life that maybe I am good at something. Through fnbe, I've been able to explore my creativity and be honestly impressed by the fact that I have any good ideas at all My ideas may be seen as weird but i'd like to th...