paro

Hello! Ah, it's already December. 2013 went by so fast. Since it's December, it's time i reflect on what happened this year and set a whole new list of my New Year's Resolution for 2014! Earlier today i found my old list of new year's resolutions that I'd fixed for this year. Crossed out the ones that I'd already done and I only didnt' manage to finish 5 of them, which i think is pretty much impossible to complete within the span of 3 weeks, before 2014 starts. Except for the watching the sunrise part. I could do that. But i don't want to do it alone haha. I pictured myself watching it with someone i really really care about. But meh, whatever. You live alone and you die alone anyway. Might as well i watch the sun rise by myself. And now...presentingggggg.....NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR THE YEAR 2014!!!!!! Yes, yes, i know. I bet you're all "what the heck?? is she trying to reach for the stars??? does she really th...

Hello!! Yes, it's merdeka!! haha, not the literal merdeka, i mean merdeka as in i am finally free from PMR! What a relief! :D I can do whatever i want now! go out, watch movies, stay up, drown myself in self pity y ^_^ It's great, being able to sleep at night without worrying bout PMR. But today, at school, they discussed stuff like streaming and the future and what we're gonna be and i've gotta admit, even thinking about it gave me a massive headache. SO many questions. ZERO answers. What am i gonna be? What do i wanna do? Where do i wanna go? I have no idea, i've actually been avoiding thinking about the future since it seems pretty dark to me, but i guess someday i've got to face the music; i'm growing up. i have to make decisions that will affect the entire course of my life. Why whoever it was decided that it was okay to force hormonal, emotionally imbalanced teenagers to have to make a decision that might change their life forever WHILE they're ...

Hello! Finally 15. Nothing particularly big has changed, i literally expected something weird to happen when i woke up today. Idk, maybe a big bang? Fireworks saying "CONGRATS YOU'RE FIFTEEN"? Haha.  Zaharah was the first to wish me, which was awesome. and yeah. it was a good day. Alhamdulillah. Another year of being alive. Although i dont see what's so celebratory about that. I didn't get cake, which was quite disappointing. But i got presents and most of the people i care about remembered, which is the most important thing in the end. I just keep thinking, holy shit, i'm a year closer to finishing school forever. and then college, and work, and possibly falling in love and getting babies and all that jiz. The idea of all that being a mere two years away is just terrifying! I wish i didn't have to grow up at all. Most teens can't wait to get out of the house and work and be independent and stuff but honestly, I'm so scared of being alone. Out ...

It is a Tuesday, 11th of June 2013, and it is currently 12:11 a.m. I'm still awake and i don't know why, but i've never felt so alone in my life. SO many bad thoughts running through my mind and they're taking over me. I can't stop them. and i can't help but find the truth in those negative thoughts. Because that's what i am, a negative person with absolutely no worth. I cry for help but no one's there to answer me. No one to fall back on. No one. I am alone. Which is how i'm most likely going to be for the rest of my life. My mum says that if i face a problem, i should find a solution. But the only solution i see is death. And as much as i want death to take me, i want to live long enough to see the world. That is my dilemma. I don't want to kill myself, but if i crossed the road and a car was coming, i'm not sure i'd move out of the way.

Hello :) Long time no update haha. Im sorry, lately i have no motivation whatsoever to do anything at all, i have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. Do you ever like...you know what you do wrong, and you know what you have to work on, yet you don't do anything about it even though you really want to? Lack of motivation. Absolute. Lack. Of. Motivation. This is the situation i'm in. I know my mistakes and i know what i have to do but i just don't do it! Nothing can ever make me go "oh hell no i needa study i aint going on twitter or tumblr little shits i got work to do n im finishing it,"nothing has ever motivated me enough to study well and get A's. I'm just so dispassionate about everything that i'm so disappointed in myself. Why can't i be like those other people who study 24/7? ugh. If given the chance, i would change every single thing about myself. I hate everything about myself. My face, my hair, my attitude, my thighs. Everything...

Hello! Long time no update! Well, it's been reeeaaaalllly busy for me lately. I recently joined the Choral Speaking team, and just earlier today, we had a district level competition against allllll the other schools in the district. But, those two weeks of practice was tiring, stressful, at times frustrating.....but in the end, worth it! yes, Sri Aman's Choral Speaking Team of 2013, managed to win first place (and our conductor won best conductor) In district level! It's still so surreal to me! Did we really win? ARe we really going forward to compete in STATE level? Wow, the feeling of making your school proud, is just, amazing, really. The girls. Ain and I. So, basically, overall,  it was an AMAZING day and i had loads of fun and experience and ya :) hehe. i LIVE for memories like these!

Hello :) so...........i just wanna express a few things that has been on my mind lately. First of all... It's really hard not to submit to the pressure of society. I think i've finally got to that stage of my life where what society thinks of me actually affects me. The hardest part of being a teenager, or in fact, the hardest part of anybody's life. I look around at all my friends and compare every single one of them with myself. All of them are pretty, and some of them have boyfriends, I have or am neither. Most of them are smarter than me, when I myself am struggling everyday to absorb all the information being thrown at me all at once. It's sort of like dodgeball: Everyone throws balls at you at a high speed, and they keep throwing it at you repeatedly. No matter how good you are at dodging to evade the ball, eventually, one ball will catch you off guard and hit you right smack in the face. That ball, is the sudden realization that wakes you up and, ma...

hullo! :) hi guys!!! i apologize for the startlingly depressing post before this, haha was just one of my emotional moments. anyway, hi. Have you realized that it has only been 13 days since 2012? wow, how slow. to me, anyway. I just really wanna get this year over and done with. So the past week of school has been predictably boring and tiring. But we did sign up for the koko stuff. I joined Orchestra, gonna audition for flute next thursday :) wish me luck hehe. And i joined softball....no idea why. and taekwondo! again, no idea why ahahha maybe because it's the only unit uniform that doesn't require me to attend camps. i absolutely loathe camps. i just hate forests......don't judge lol. ooooh and i'm supposed to perform at Empire Shopping Gallery somewhere in February. For Chinese New Year, if i'm not mistaken ahha. so screwed. lol nah i mean the part i have to play is quite simple, so ya (bean) not that worried. But the girl i'm supposed to perform wit...

hey y'all. I am typing this out after a tiring day at school. It was the first day, FIRST DAY and it was alrady so hectic! So stressed up...really don't know how i'm going to manage to finish my homework AND find the time to study for PMR.  gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. so scared! anyway...this year i'm in 3 Jati. I dropped one class, what a surprise ey. ((not)) The class is really cool, i guess. I mean, not anybody i particularly hate, so it's all good. The class is full of generally nice people. but hey...it's only the first day. who knows how the class is really like if they show their true colours. I don't know, but lately i feel so awkward around people. Not sure why. Maybe because i was separated from them for two months, but still, last year wasn't this...awkward. on the other hand, you know they actually gave us homework. HOMEWORK. on the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. crazy!! i mean, you know, take a chill pill yo! but well, the homework isn't...